Why is it?

Why is it that I forget all the provisions of God in the past? I moved a week after we had twins. Josh and the twins were 15 months apart. It ended up being a blast. Were there days I wanted to pull my hair out? Of course there were - but those were actually quite few and far between. Why am I freaking out that God might give us another set of twins? How can I forget his goodness so quickly? How can I forget that just like he wanted and planned for us to have the girls, he has wanted and planned for us to have the next child/children.


Why is it that I forget all the ways God has provided for us amazingly in the past? It's not like this has only happened to people we know. It's happened to us. But with a potential $20,000 bill looming before us (it's more if you have twins), how can I forget that he's provided that much for us before (granted, never all at once - not even close, but if you total up all the little things - I'm sure it comes to much more than that). I feel like we've been slowly living out the sell all your possessions and give to the poor verse in Acts, but I know that's not true - it's my own perception of the situation - we still have furniture, clothes, a house, tools, and two vehicles. Granted, just about everything else we've sold in this process, but did we need those? Have we missed them - I'd be lying if I said, "no." But, God's in control. This is the verse he gave us at the beginning - I see now that it was as a bit of a warning, and by the end, we may have to sell everything to give to whatever poor children God brings into our lives to raise and care for. He's going to provide. I have to remember that.

Why is it that financial stresses cause you to see the ugliness of your own soul so clearly? Is it because for most of us, our god is truly our money? I never thought mine was, but as we've sold precious thing after thing to pay for our little one(s), I realize how much those things meant to me.

Why is it that it's harder for me to do this for a child I've never met? Is it because you usually get 9 months where they are living in you, and you feel them move? There's an end in sight - you know about when they are coming. The planner in you can plan. With adoption, this doesn't exist. There's no time frame. There's no knowing, there's a constant sense of is this the time? Will I have a new baby in my house next week? Or will it be next year? I can't imagine how much more this would consume me if we didn't already have three precious little ones. For me, it's not a matter of - please come quickly as much as it is - can I handle this when they come?

Do I know God's in control? Yes. I do. But, for those of you close to us, you know that there's been a lot more going on in our lives than just the adoption, but an open blog is not the place to write about those things. I have to confess, I feel like our world is spinning out of control. I know that God is in it - but finding him through these times can be a bit difficult. I trust him. I really do. That is in the depths of my soul, like an anchor. But that trusting doesn't provide direction, and so, it's a good thing that it is an anchor because this ship has been tossed around a lot lately and that's all we've got holding us on.

"Unknown." It's a hard place to be. But, it's where we are. God knows these things, and he's in control. That's where he is. Here's praying we see a little clearer where he is, and put a little less focus on where we are.

***God is amazing. As I was reading over this post, I heard the pitter patter of little feet. Is Josh supposed to be out of bed? No...of course not. But, seeing those big brown eyes, and that adorable little guy in p.j.'s come around the corner made my heart just leap for joy. I granted him some "grace" - no punishment. And I remembered all the reasons I'm excited about another child(ren). I love being a Mommy. Will having another one(s) this close be tough? Yeah. No denying it. I have no idea how I'll grocery shop or do my couponing. But, man, they'll melt my heart :). God is good.***

***Realized also, I only posted this on Facebook. The mom of the twin girls chose a family from Southern California. BUT...the caseworker in Mississippi asked if she could pass on ours and some other profile books on to a mom of twin BOYS in Mississippi. Craziness - but good.***

Another presentation - that we actually know about...

Well, Matt and I continue to be presented. We only find out about the ones where there is a question as to whether or not we would like to be presented. We're not sure what the result of the June 3 presentation was - guess we'll find out she either didn't pick us or decided not to go through with it by default if a lot of time passes. The BIG news though is another presentation that should be happening in the next few days. And I'll be honest, I'm a little freaked...depending on when you ask me is whether or not that freaked is freaked excited or just panicked. I keep reminding myself - Cease striving and KNOW that HE is God. He knows what he's doing.

Enough of that - here's the news. On May 8, (yes, that would be ONE day after the girls' first birthdays) two little black twin girls were born AT HOME with their momma in Hattiesburg, MS. The mom tested positive for marijuana, but the girls received a clean bill of health. On May 27, she decided to give them up for adoption and they were placed in interim care, but a suitable home has not been found within the network of the MS prospective adoptive parents. This is either because of the situation or because the birth mother rejected those choices. SO...our case worker asked us if she could present us. We prayed about it and felt like we should be presented.

So...that's what's happening there. There's no reason to think that she'll pick us from all the national profile books she'll be presented with. But, the reality is really setting in...if for some reason she does - do you realize we could be driving down to Mississippi in the next few weeks to pick up TWO BABIES??? And those babies are only 1 year and 1 day younger than my girls? Again, trying not to dwell unless she happens to pick us, but I'll be honest, not doing a great job of that right now.

And here's the big prayer request. We haven't been able to apply for adoption grants yet because we don't have our official home study paperwork yet - it's been completed, but it takes a while for it to be compiled, approved by the state office, and then sent back to us. However, our case worker's done her part, so we're being presented. I'm getting a little antsy because if we get a placement BEFORE applying for these grants, we're not eligible to apply for some of them. So, I'm going to talk to Erin today and see if I can pick up an official copy from her office here in Raleigh rather than waiting for the state office to send me the copy. So, pray that goes well.

That's us...a little rattled, and a little shaken at the reality of all of this, but excited about what God's going to do. And also wondering if this goes through where in the world I'd be able to get a quadruplet stroller for free :).