Over four months

I know that I am WAY overdue on this post. We moved onto a working farm in the middle of harvest time when Isaac was a week and a half old. My life for 2 months consisted of 6 am mornings (with plenty of middle of the night feedings :), take care of my kids and nieces for an hour or two, and then start processing the first of the buckets of produce coming in from the garden. It was a lot of fun, but a lot of work, and then I'd go to bed around midnight. I definitely could not have done it if it wasn't for the fact I had not actually delivered Isaac.

After those 2 months, honestly, I'd just gotten out of the habit of the internet. And I had more time with my kids and to do so many other things that I didn't miss it. I kept telling myself I needed to write this post, but then I'd do another sewing project that had been in the wings for the last 2 years instead. Or, I'd tackle that cleaning/organizing project I'd been putting off instead. Now however, my daughter Kathleen decided to climb out of her pack-n-play during nap time yesterday, and when I came in she was showing Karissa how to do it too. When I put her back in, she promptly climbed up to the top again and started to fall over to "get down." At which point, I pulled out the mattresses I'd made to go in them (2 cribs and a twin bed won't fit in their current room that they are sharing), and they are on the floor now - much sooner than I had hoped. So, I'm sitting here during nap time finally writing this post because now it seems VERY productive to do this as I teach them (make that Kathleen how to stay on a mattress during nap time)...we'll see how this goes :).

So, on to the last four months, Isaac, etc. Isaac is SUCH a joy. I love him so much. I am so fortunate that I have been able to nurse him, however, I have had problems after having emergency gall bladder surgery last month. But, that has been such a blessing. I loved him from the beginning, but truthfully and honestly, that love was a more distant kind of love than I felt when I first held my biological children for the first time. Looking back, I think as much as I loved him by choice, I think he felt more like a precious nephew to me than my own son, just because he was so new. I hadn't carried him for 9 months. I loved him as much as my other children, but the connection between us hadn't formed like it has now. Now, he really, truly feels like my son, just as much as Josh does. He makes me laugh and we have a history and memories now. He is so much more than my precious baby. He's my son.

Adoption has been such a blessing. But even if there's an instant connection, you need time to really forge a bond with your adopted child, and they with you, even from infancy. When you are pregnant, you have 9 months to forge that bond and feel your child move. With adoption, you receive a precious child, already born. So, I think that's been a good realization for me, especially if or when we adopt again. At the beginning, you choose to think of this child as yours, you choose to give them all the same rights and privileges as your biological. And then, over the next few months or years, that choice becomes a fact of life that you feel in your mind and heart as strongly as you do your others if you have biological.

So, that's been where we've been on the adoption front. We've had one more meeting with Isaac's birth mother that went really well, and we're hoping for a second one soon. We've also had 2 follow-up post placement visits as well. Both of those went really, really well and we enjoyed seeing our social worker again very much.

I hope that at least gives a little bit of information on us. I hope you also enjoy the pictures!

Why do I doubt and reminders of God's perspective from the mouth of babes

So, today was not the idyllic glow that has been with me after each of my previous children were born. Instead, it involved lots of tears of - how are we going to pay for this? Did we make a mistake because we sure don't have enough money to pay for this and our bills? What is God doing? So, through all the tears, I lost my perspective. And I was driving out to Mary Kathryn's to drop off the kids and talking to my husband about all my fears, and God gave me the most wonderful blessing. I got off, and my two year old son said, "Mom, where are we?"

I said, "Sweetie, we're on our way for you to play with Julia, Ella, and Asher."
Josh: "Why Mommy?
Me: "Well, because a little bit later today, Mommy's going to go to the hospital and pick up baby Isaac. Won't that be nice for when you get home?"
Josh: "Mmm...hmmm. Mommy, did you know that Isaac is a blessing?"

At this point, I almost wrecked the van (not literally) through my tears as God used Isaac's big brother to remind me that perspective was totally skewed. Instead of trusting, instead of rejoicing, there I was trying to solve all the problems of the world and forgetting the blessing of the child that we are bringing home with us today. Thank you Lord for the mouths of 2 year olds.

And, God is amazing. Our loan did not come through in time, so I went to the bank this morning to find out what we could do...and lo and behold, God knew all along what we needed. Because I went IN to the bank, I got a different loan than I had been pre-approved for before with a much better rate - AND we only have to pay interest on it if we wanted to (obviously, we'll want to put as much as we can on the principle) until the federal adoption tax credit comes in. Isn't God AMAZING?! WHY, oh, WHY do I doubt his goodness and his provision.

Be praying for me tonight though. Pray that I will be able to nurse Isaac since this will be the first time that I will be able to try. Pray for my emotions to be held in check and for me to remember that this is not yet fully our child until Tuesday. We love you all!

Tomorrow - we bring home a baby!!!

August 1, 2009 - 10:35 pm - Isaac Michael Nathaniel (hopefully soon to be) Lytle was born. What a wonderful birthday present to my mom (the first is also her birthday). We got to meet him today, and he is SO good looking! He weighed 5lbs 14 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. He has a head of dark hair and the most beautiful eyes! We love him already. His birthmother terminated rights this afternoon, and unless something goes wrong tonight, he should be discharged tomorrow morning. And, if the birth mother does not change her mind, he will be officially "ours" August 11. WHOO HOO!!!!! I can't believe how quickly this has gone through!

So, what happens now is that Isaac will be discharged into Erin's (our case worker) care. We will follow her over to the Bethany office where we will pay $14,500 (YIKES!) and sign paperwork and then...we take him home!!!!

I can't really even put into words what we are feeling right now. It's so surreal. And we're excited, but not giddy. I don't think I'll be giddy until August 11, because until then - while he's semi-ours, he's not officially ours until then. Until then, it's almost like I've been entrusted to care for, love, and provide for someone else's child. I don't know - maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow when I bring him into the house - we'll see. I don't want that to sound like I'm not thrilled he's here. Because I am - I'm just still cautious.

But, this brings us to the next bit of news...apparently the plan in our household is that when the newborn is one week old - you move. Yes, that's right, you heard me. Just like with the girls, we are moving 1-2 weeks after Isaac is born. Matt has taken a job in Winston-Salem (that would be last FRIDAY) and we're moving not this Friday, but the next. ARGH!!!!!!!!! I never finished unpacking THIS house! But, it's a wonderful provision of the Lord that we believe he is a part of. I'll have to tell you more about that in a later post. Just pray for this craziness.

So, on to other stuff. Obviously, we're paying out $14,500 tomorrow. This all happened so quickly (the birth mother selected us 3 weeks ago) that our loan actually did not come through in time. So, we can put part of it on a credit card (not what we wanted to do obviously - but it's a temporary solution), but the rest we're paying out of pocket which will leave us really, really tight. So, I'm going to post everything we're selling on the blog too (most of it's already on Craig's List or Ebay) - if anyone's interested in any of it - please, feel free to let me know and we'll be HAPPY to part with it :).

1999 Taylor 710CE Drednought Guitar - $1600

Kitchen Cart - $65

Front-Loading Washing Machine - $800

Antique Oak Table - $50

Herb planter set - $5

Pasta Making Set - $75
Kitchen Caddy - $10Oak TV Trays - $20 for set

Mirror - $25
Still in box - Martha Stewart Rosette Mirror - $25
Antique Type Tray - $10
Picture of preacher surrounded by saints and Jesus as he preaches - inscriptions says: Legacy - Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses - $25
Shelf - painted to look like mosaic - $5
Another mosaic shelf - $5
Placemats - set of 4 - $5
Placemats - Set of 4 - $5
Placemats - Set of 6 - $5 (one has a pull in it)
Table Runner - $7
Waverly set of placemats and napkins - $10
Twin quilt and and pillow sham set - $25
Bud Vase - $2
Monogram plates (J, M, K) - $2 a piece
Handmade tray that you can weave ribbon and greenery through - $35
Office desk lamp (halogen) - $5
Hat box - $2
Globe - $5
Little decorative suitcase - $2
Humidor - $65
Kitchen Organizer - $15

Second Meeting - WAY overdue...

Okay, so, we had our second meeting with the birth mother this last week. It went good and bad all at the same time :). How's that for an ambiguous first statement? It's taken me this long to write it all down because of craziness of life (I'm traveling with the kids right now) and because I had to have a long conversation with our case worker a few days after the meeting before Matt and I felt like we could move forward in good conscience. Now, we're back to being totally on board, but since these are nuances of adoption you just don't think about, I'll try and share all the pertinent details.

First, from the birth mom's perspective (at least what we could tell) it seemed like everything went great. She told us she had no doubts whatsoever about us adopting her child. And she was really excited that we would be raising him. So, so far so good. We got to meet her first son, her mom, and see her sister again. However, during the course of the conversation, we found out several things that just gave us pause. The big thing was the conversation about how open this adoption was going to be. Matt and I felt like as we were talking to her we were coming from totally different points of view about the openness of the adoption. And we just didn't know how to handle that. We are open to an open adoption, but that can look SO different depending on the circumstances. The two statements she made that made Matt and I kind of freeze in our tracks were that once her transportation situation was taken care of, visits wouldn't be a problem even if one day we didn't live in the same town, and then she gave us her phone number to work out the logistics of visits in the future. At this point our wonderful case worker stepped in and said, whoa, just a second - if you give that information, there also needs to be something called an openness agreement that is signed before we go any further. So, thank you so much Bethany!

This is probably very confusing if you don't know certain details about the way domestic adoptions work, so let me pause here and give a bit of a heads up. Basically, in America, you can have a closed, semi-open, or open adoption. And these types of adoptions are decided at the placement, and the type cannot be changed without going to court to change the status. In a closed adoption after the birth mother looks at profile books and the adoption is complete the adoptive family and birth mother part ways and they are totally anonymous to the other one. They cannot contact each other, and the only way that contact can ever be reestablished is if once the child is an adult he/she posts information about themselves to an adoption network, and the birth mother also looks and sees that and asks to be matched. So, it's a big deal and both sides have to be looking for the other one. In a semi-open adoption, the agency acts as intermediary the rest of the child's life (or at least until he's 18). So, letters and gifts can be exchanged, but no identifying information is ever given. Visits cannot continue to occur post placement (there may be a few visits allowed with the agency representative present, but I can't remember for sure). An open adoption on the other hand allows the adoptive family and the birth mother an opportunity to continue a relationship throughout the child's life. There are enormous benefits to this because the child is never left wondering what his/her birth parent was like - he knows. In an open adoption, last names can be given, and any other kind of identifying information. So...back to the visit...

When Erin (our caseworker) handed us the openness agreement, both Matt and I kind of froze because (and I know they covered this, but it was not something that stuck) we couldn't remember what that meant. And honestly, we would never give out our last name, addresses, phone numbers to a stranger, and we were sitting there going, I know we're going to raise your child, but you're still a stranger to us. So...that led us to the long conversation with Erin a couple of days later where among other things (the visit raised a TON of questions for us - mainly because as we get further in the process we realize just how many more we have to ask at this point). And, talking to her, as always, made us feel 100% better and we were behind the open adoption again. Basically, the way an open adoption works is that you sign an openness contract with your agency and so does the birth mother. All this means is that if you CHOOSE to disclose identifying information to each other the agency is not held liable. So, that was a HUGE relief - Bethany will never give out our information, but WE are allowed to determine what information we give out. So, the beauty of that is, we can grow into a relationship with this birth mother. We can start by giving her our cell phone number to make sure we can get together and do our visits, and from there we can determine what's in the best interest of our children and her as well. So, that's the really cool thing about an open adoption. It gives you options. It can grow with the relationship. For Matt and I what this means is NOT that we plan on having the birth mother over for dinner once a week, but it means that if one day we wanted to we COULD. It's really incredible how far adoption has come in the last 50 years.

So, that's our latest there. We're still just waiting on the little guy to come into this world!

Meeting the Birthmother

Sorry this is so late coming, but we left immediately after meeting the birthmother and went to the beach for 2 days with Matt's mom. Josh and Kathleen LOVED it! It was amazing! I thought Josh would be scared of the waves and we'd have to coax him into it. Instead, we had to keep telling him not to go out so far! He LOVED it! And Kathleen was the same way. She spent most of her time crawling all in the surf and dying laughing everytime it came up over her hands and knees. She didn't even really freak out when it would splash her in the face - I think that's more because of how much she's gets splashed in the face in the bathtub by her brother! Karissa on the other hand was running a fever, so anything that required her not clinging to Mommy the whole time was not what she wanted to do. So, we'll see if she's as much of a beach baby as her brother and sister are another time :).

But...on to other important things. The meeting on Wednesday with the birth mother went AMAZING. I was so nervous that morning that I was literally sick. But, my wonderful sister called me on the way there and helped me realize that as nervous as I was, the birth mother was probably 10 times more so. And she reminded me that I had nothing to lose, but the birth mother had a huge decision to make and everything to lose. So, it was a really good reminder. She also encouraged me that I had a wonderful opportunity to share the love of Christ with someone without condemnation and to show kindness and compassion instead of censure which is unfortunately the most common thing that unwed mothers receive from the church. So, can I tell you how thankful I am for my sis?After that conversation, I won't say all my nerves were settled, but I definitely had an adjusted perspective.

So, we got there, and I'm not going to list all the details of the conversation just because that wouldn't be fair to the birthmother because I haven't asked her permission to share these things. But, it was an amazing, amazing time. Matt and I left with SUCH a peace. Whatever happens, we know God is in this. My basic impression of this precious lady and her sister (who has come with her as a support through all of this - reminds me of my sis :) is that this is not a light decision that she has just randomly made. The mom and her entire family have put a LOT of thought into this decision. It is not a decision that is just being made on a whim. Her questions really showed how much she really loved the child that she was carrying but knows that she can't care for. (I'm tearing up just thinking back on it). She wanted to know about our parenting styles, goals for our children, discipline methods, how involved we were in our church (she's a Christian), how we planned on talking to her son about the adoption, were we okay with her seeing him around Christmas and around his birthday each year, and her sister asked if we minded her being there as well. But throughout all of it, she made sure that we knew that she knew that she was giving up all of her rights, and she approached it as would we mind if she could still have some time with him because she still loved him and she wanted him to know his brother (she has another son). It was just amazing.

After she finished, we asked her our questions. Ours were:

* Can you tell us a little bit about your first born?
* Is there anything special she'd like to send with her baby that's just from her?
* Can we have pictures of her to include in the baby book?
* Is there a letter that she wants us to give him when he's older that will explain everything to him, or would she rather do that in person when she sees him?
* Are there special events, places she went, things that she did that she'd really like to be sure he gets to do as well?
* Were there any songs that she sings/sang to her first born when he was a baby that she'd like us to sing to him?
* Were there any special things they did during holidays that she'd like to be sure that he does?
* Can we pray for anything specifically for her and for her firstborn?
* Is it okay for us to have him give gifts for Christmas and birthdays to her and her son?

She couldn't believe that we were actually willing to let her still be a part of his life. I know that that may seem scary to those who have either had a negative experience with an open adoption or those who have only heard of it through Lifetime :). But, you would have had to meet this mom. We are truly okay with this as long as the situation stays as it is now. That is only God working in our hearts, let me tell you. But, this mom is amazing. And the most amazing thing about this whole process is that Matt and I are truly okay with if she changes her mind about this adoption. We think she would be a good mom and that the problem is external factors and past choices not curent ones. So, the impression we left with was - if she is actually able to go through with this (and as far as I'm concerned, she has every right to back out - I couldn't go through with it) we think with as well as the meeting went, she'll let us raise her son. But, she's going to keep her son for the two days she's in the hospital, and she could easily change her mind as soon as she sees his sweet face. So, we have more of a peace than we've had through this entire process. And it just seems right somehow down to little details.

Her favorite vacations as a kid that she'd love for him to experience too were camping and a few trips to the beach. That was what we planned on doing already. She would love for her son to experience farm life because they were raised in the country - my parents have a farm. She couldn't believe that my sister had red hair because her sister does too (she's a brunette). It's just little things. And it could still not be the actual child that we are given to raise, but it was a wonderful, wonderful meeting.

So, the next meeting is this coming Wednesday evening at Pullen Park with all of our children. So, pray that that goes well. It's at 6:30. Pray that our kids are well behaved :). Pray that we can get to know her better. Pray that we can get to know her son well. Just for a peace.

Thanks guys! I can't believe we're here! By the way, the baby's due date is August 4! BUT...she went early with her first born - so...anytime!

We've been selected...

Whew! I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. A little bit overwhelmed, a lot excited, and a little bit scared. Again, words are escaping me right now. So, I'll just start at the beginning.

Erin, our case worker left us a message this morning and asked if we could call her back because there was a birth mother situation that she wanted to discuss with us. Matt wanted to hear to, so I did a three-way call so we could all talk (I was pretty proud of my use of technology :). A birth mother has been visiting all of the different adoption agencies in Raleigh, and before she signed on with anyone, she wanted to view profile books so that she could have more options of families to choose from. And after she saw ours, she chose us! So, she's now signed on with Bethany as a birth mother. She is 35 weeks pregnant with a little boy. So, at this point, our profile book has been pulled from circulation with other potential birth parents, and she'd like to meet us. We'll meet with her sometime the week of July 13. If all still looks good, we'll continue until we take the boy home or she changes her mind (which she can up until 7 days after she terminates her rights - which is usually a few days after she's gives birth).

I can't believe it. We started being shown June 3. It's only July 3. That's ONE month! We were on the phone with our case worker for a while and she shared all the details of both the mother's pregnancy and the condition of the baby. But (and please don't think we're covering up something terrible here - because there's not) we decided a while ago, that any details of whatever child's past we received we wouldn't share. I only write this here because it's a blog about adoption, and I wanted to share some of our thoughts here.

With a previous birth mother we were presented to the situation was a rape situation. We started thinking about what we would tell the child about their father and from there wondered what if anything we would tell our family. Now our families are wonderful, but we didn't want to them to have to deal with that knowledge if that birth mother selected us. Can you imagine if one day our child had asked them to tell them about their biological father? The easiest thing on them would have been to not have that information. Also, so many times our perception of someone is colored by information we know about our past. This is so true with family. Someone can meet our sibling when they are all grown up and that person thinks they are the most with it together person in the world. (My sister actually happens to be which is always amazing to me). But, if you're family, you know the history and you know that they weren't always the way they are now and it colors your opinion of them. Can you imagine only knowing a few facts about someone and then actually starting to get to know them from there? First impressions can make or break you. So, we decided that if that previous birth mother had selected us then for the sake of our child and the sake of our friends and family, we would present our child to them as just that - our child - because that's all that truly matters after the child is ours.

I don't know if any of the previous paragraph makes sense. And I never meant to post that in the same post as "we've been selected." But, as I've called people today to let them know they want to know everything because they are so excited for us. And we want them to ask. We want them to be interested. But, there's been a few times we've paused before we answered the question or didn't answer portions of those questions. It's gotten us thinking again about how many details of our child's life before he comes to live with us will we share. The answer is - probably not many. That doesn't mean we're hiding horrible things. What it means is, we want people to see him for what he is - our child. You know us. Therefore, you know our son and how we'll raise him, and those are the thoughts we want in people's minds when they look at our son one day. So, please ask away. Be cautiously excited with us - she could still DEFINITELY change her mind. Just know that we might defer some of the questions but we don't mind you asking :).

We're excited!!!!

Why is it?

Why is it that I forget all the provisions of God in the past? I moved a week after we had twins. Josh and the twins were 15 months apart. It ended up being a blast. Were there days I wanted to pull my hair out? Of course there were - but those were actually quite few and far between. Why am I freaking out that God might give us another set of twins? How can I forget his goodness so quickly? How can I forget that just like he wanted and planned for us to have the girls, he has wanted and planned for us to have the next child/children.


Why is it that I forget all the ways God has provided for us amazingly in the past? It's not like this has only happened to people we know. It's happened to us. But with a potential $20,000 bill looming before us (it's more if you have twins), how can I forget that he's provided that much for us before (granted, never all at once - not even close, but if you total up all the little things - I'm sure it comes to much more than that). I feel like we've been slowly living out the sell all your possessions and give to the poor verse in Acts, but I know that's not true - it's my own perception of the situation - we still have furniture, clothes, a house, tools, and two vehicles. Granted, just about everything else we've sold in this process, but did we need those? Have we missed them - I'd be lying if I said, "no." But, God's in control. This is the verse he gave us at the beginning - I see now that it was as a bit of a warning, and by the end, we may have to sell everything to give to whatever poor children God brings into our lives to raise and care for. He's going to provide. I have to remember that.

Why is it that financial stresses cause you to see the ugliness of your own soul so clearly? Is it because for most of us, our god is truly our money? I never thought mine was, but as we've sold precious thing after thing to pay for our little one(s), I realize how much those things meant to me.

Why is it that it's harder for me to do this for a child I've never met? Is it because you usually get 9 months where they are living in you, and you feel them move? There's an end in sight - you know about when they are coming. The planner in you can plan. With adoption, this doesn't exist. There's no time frame. There's no knowing, there's a constant sense of is this the time? Will I have a new baby in my house next week? Or will it be next year? I can't imagine how much more this would consume me if we didn't already have three precious little ones. For me, it's not a matter of - please come quickly as much as it is - can I handle this when they come?

Do I know God's in control? Yes. I do. But, for those of you close to us, you know that there's been a lot more going on in our lives than just the adoption, but an open blog is not the place to write about those things. I have to confess, I feel like our world is spinning out of control. I know that God is in it - but finding him through these times can be a bit difficult. I trust him. I really do. That is in the depths of my soul, like an anchor. But that trusting doesn't provide direction, and so, it's a good thing that it is an anchor because this ship has been tossed around a lot lately and that's all we've got holding us on.

"Unknown." It's a hard place to be. But, it's where we are. God knows these things, and he's in control. That's where he is. Here's praying we see a little clearer where he is, and put a little less focus on where we are.

***God is amazing. As I was reading over this post, I heard the pitter patter of little feet. Is Josh supposed to be out of bed? No...of course not. But, seeing those big brown eyes, and that adorable little guy in p.j.'s come around the corner made my heart just leap for joy. I granted him some "grace" - no punishment. And I remembered all the reasons I'm excited about another child(ren). I love being a Mommy. Will having another one(s) this close be tough? Yeah. No denying it. I have no idea how I'll grocery shop or do my couponing. But, man, they'll melt my heart :). God is good.***

***Realized also, I only posted this on Facebook. The mom of the twin girls chose a family from Southern California. BUT...the caseworker in Mississippi asked if she could pass on ours and some other profile books on to a mom of twin BOYS in Mississippi. Craziness - but good.***

Another presentation - that we actually know about...

Well, Matt and I continue to be presented. We only find out about the ones where there is a question as to whether or not we would like to be presented. We're not sure what the result of the June 3 presentation was - guess we'll find out she either didn't pick us or decided not to go through with it by default if a lot of time passes. The BIG news though is another presentation that should be happening in the next few days. And I'll be honest, I'm a little freaked...depending on when you ask me is whether or not that freaked is freaked excited or just panicked. I keep reminding myself - Cease striving and KNOW that HE is God. He knows what he's doing.

Enough of that - here's the news. On May 8, (yes, that would be ONE day after the girls' first birthdays) two little black twin girls were born AT HOME with their momma in Hattiesburg, MS. The mom tested positive for marijuana, but the girls received a clean bill of health. On May 27, she decided to give them up for adoption and they were placed in interim care, but a suitable home has not been found within the network of the MS prospective adoptive parents. This is either because of the situation or because the birth mother rejected those choices. SO...our case worker asked us if she could present us. We prayed about it and felt like we should be presented.

So...that's what's happening there. There's no reason to think that she'll pick us from all the national profile books she'll be presented with. But, the reality is really setting in...if for some reason she does - do you realize we could be driving down to Mississippi in the next few weeks to pick up TWO BABIES??? And those babies are only 1 year and 1 day younger than my girls? Again, trying not to dwell unless she happens to pick us, but I'll be honest, not doing a great job of that right now.

And here's the big prayer request. We haven't been able to apply for adoption grants yet because we don't have our official home study paperwork yet - it's been completed, but it takes a while for it to be compiled, approved by the state office, and then sent back to us. However, our case worker's done her part, so we're being presented. I'm getting a little antsy because if we get a placement BEFORE applying for these grants, we're not eligible to apply for some of them. So, I'm going to talk to Erin today and see if I can pick up an official copy from her office here in Raleigh rather than waiting for the state office to send me the copy. So, pray that goes well.

That's us...a little rattled, and a little shaken at the reality of all of this, but excited about what God's going to do. And also wondering if this goes through where in the world I'd be able to get a quadruplet stroller for free :).

A BIG DAY!!!

Hey all!

Sorry it's been a hectic few weeks! BUT...drum roll please - mark your calendars - our profile books are being presented to a birth mother on June 3! Now, that doesn't mean she'll pick us, and even if she does, it doesn't mean that it will come through. But...we're out there for people to choose! We can't believe it! We're so excited, and can't wait to see what God's going to do - or rather I guess I should say - we're excited to WAIT and see what God's going to do :).

In other news...KARISSA'S WALKING!!!! She took her first steps yesterday, and today...she walked across the room again and again! Yippee! Now, Kathleen needs to catch up, but she's been so sick poor thing that I don't seen that happening anytime soon :).

Voddie Baucham on Adoption Anxiety

I found this post on Voddie Baucham's blog, (click here to read it on his site and see an adorable picture of his new little one) and it was so good that I thought I'd put it up here for you guys to see:

After adopting Elijah, Asher, and Judah, I have become increasingly aware of high levels of anxiety among Christian families considering adoption. This anxiety seems to stem from misinformation-- not misinformation about the adoption process, the finances involved, or the tough work of assimilating children into one’s family-- this misinformation is theological in nature. There are those in the Christian community who have raised concerns about adopting children due to generational curses, family sins, and/or familiar spirits attached to adopted children. This is disturbing on many levels. Let me address three: The universality of sin, the blame game, the priority of parenting, and the power of the blood of Christ.

A number of well-meaning saints have asked me, “Don’t you worry about generational curses, or familiar spirits that you may be inviting into your home? This is quite an ironic question for at least two reasons. First, my wife and I (like most couples) come from a long line of sin and dysfunction. If anything, I should have been worried about generational curses on the children we bore more than those whom we adopt. Moreover, all human beings are born in sin (Psalm 51:5). We all have a sin nature (Romans 3:10). This question seems to suggest that there are some wonderful church-going women out there who give birth via immaculate conception! Who am I to think that my wife and I gave birth to children who are free from baggage, but those whom we adopt are somehow ‘unclean’ compared to our biological children? That would be pure arrogance on our part.

Second, this thinking is ironic because it is often based on a misunderstanding, or a misuse of Scripture. Some have taken the Lord’s admonition in the second commandment out of context. The text says:

“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. “You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.” (Exodus 20:4-6; cf, Ex 34:6, 7; Num 14:18, 33; Deut 5:9, 10; 1Kin 21:29; Jer 32:18)

Some have taken this to mean that there are ‘generational curses’ that follow children throughout their lives. While it is true that my sin impacts my children (especially when they see me do it), it is not true that they are cursed, or doomed to repeat my sins.

We must read these texts in light of what the Bible says about this issue in places like Ezekiel 18.

“Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, “What do you mean by using this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, ‘The fathers eat the sour grapes, But the children’s teeth are set on edge’? “As I live,” declares the Lord GOD, “you are surely not going to use this proverb in Israel anymore. “Behold, all souls are Mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is Mine. The soul who sins will die.” (Ezekiel 18:1-4)

The soul who sins-- not the son of the soul who sins-- will die. The Lord is addressing the very misconception that currently plagues some in the Christian community, and sometimes discourages many from engaging in the ministry of adoption.

God most assuredly fulfilled this warning when he sent Israel into captivity (as well as other places). However, we do not see a wooden rule here. There is no one-to-one correlation. Isaac did not commit ‘every’ sin that plagued his father Abraham. Nor did Solomon repeat every evil thing that David did. Were there sinful patterns in these families? Of course there were. However, there was no one-to-one correlation. This is similar to the issue the disciples raised with Jesus concerning the man born blind (John 9). Toward the end of Ezekiel 18 the author puts an even finer point on the matter. He continues:

“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself. “But if the wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed and observes all My statutes and practices justice and righteousness, he shall surely live; he shall not die. “All his transgressions which he has committed will not be remembered against him; because of his righteousness which he has practiced, he will live. “Do I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked,” declares the Lord GOD, “rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?” (Ezekiel 18:20-23)

I have met so many Christians who are in bondage over these issues and I wish I had the time to walk every one of them through this chapter. Some are terrified because they are divorced, or alcoholic, or irresponsible with money, and they ‘know’ that their sin is going to plague their children and their children’s children for three to four generations. Others sit on the opposite end of the equation and look at the sins their parents and grandparents committed and fear that they are generation three or four, and not five (the generation that gets the automatic get out of sin free card according to the erroneous reading of the text), and thus have no hope. However, if they are in generation 5 for divorce, they may only be generation two for alcoholism... Do you see how oppressive this is?

THE SIN BLAME GAME

Another major problem with this adoption anxiety is its tendency to perpetuate what I call the sin blame game. If we represented the anxiety view in the form of a syllogism, it would read as follows:

The sins of the fathers continue for 3-4 generations

I am generation 2 for ‘this’ sin

Therefore, my children and I ‘will’ continue the cycle.

Thus, according to this logic, if I am cursed, then I am neither able to resist, nor am I responsible for my sin; I’m just doing what I am destined to do. Or, one could ask, why should I employ biblical discipline with my adopted children (or my biological children for that matter) since the methods in the Bible are impotent in the face of generational sin? This kind of thinking would almost require us to rewrite several Bible verses:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him (unless he has a generational curse). (Proverbs 22:15)

Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol (unless he has a familiar spirit). (Proverbs 23:13-14)

The rod and reproof give wisdom , But a child who (has been adopted from the wrong family tree) brings shame to his mother. (Proverbs 29:15)

The sin blame game also affects the way many Christians view themselves. There are middle-aged men with defeatist attitudes because they struggle with sin that they attribute to their biological parents who gave them up for adoption. Thus, in a society where an overwhelming number of men struggle with pornography, some men believe the root of their struggle is generational sin passed down from their biological parents whom, in some cases, they have never even met! What about the millions of other men? What about men whose fathers did not have the struggle?

I am not arguing that there is never a family issue here, but I am saying that family issues are no excuse. My adopted sons are going to struggle with many of the same issues as do other men in our society. They will have to avert their eyes from scantily clad young women; they will have to resist attractive ads for alcohol and the allure of drugs. These are realities in our society. My adopted children are also likely wrestle with their identity later in life (as do my biological children). They may have tough days ahead as they try to figure out why they were “given up” (a term adoptive parents despise) by their biological parents. They are going to have to be disciplined, corrected and redirected. However, if I am looking for generational curses and/or familiar spirits behind every conflict, I’ll go crazy and start telling people DON’T ADOPT... THEY COME WITH BAGGAGE!

THE PRIORITY OF PARENTING

Another issue that must be addressed here is parenting. I would not suggest that all adoptive parents who have significant issues with their approach to parenting, however this issue cannot be ignored. Our churches are filled with parents who haven’t a clue when it comes to child training and discipline. As a result, many parents who are reaping the harvest of their bad parenting assign the blame in the wrong place. Sometimes all of us have to look in the mirror when we want to find the root of certain behavioral patterns in our children’s lives. I know I do.

Children who are indulged will be spoiled and ill-mannered whether they were adopted or not. Children who do not have clear boundaries and consistent correction will be out of control even if they have the best ‘genetic’ and/or spiritual background. We must take this into account when we hear adoption horror stories. Remember, most of the little tyrants we see driving their parents crazy in the grocery store were not adopted. However, they certainly inherited their tendencies from their parents... Adam and Eve.

THE SUFFICIENCY OF THE BLOOD

Some people have suggested that the main problem with adoption is that we don’t know the name of the particular spirits we need to oppose or ‘bind’ in our children’s lives. To that I say, which Jesus are we serving? The Jesus whom I serve is able to save to the uttermost.

“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” (1John 1:5-7)

My adopted children (like my biological children) need to be saved. Jesus’ blood is the only thing that can wash them clean. He turns men into new creatures, causes old things to pass away and be replaced by the new (2 Cor 5:17). My Jesus does not save in sections; he saves completely.

DON’T BE SCARED TO SERVE

My biggest concern with this adoption anxiety is that it seems to suggest that we should limit the offer our home, our hearts and our help to children whom we know will give us minimal difficulty. “I’ll take the one who will comply, but you can keep the one who may struggle with rebellion or identity in an institution, or with non-Christians who are better equipped to minister to them.” I know this is not what we mean. However, this is often the end result of our adoption anxiety. In the end, there are only a few guarantees when it comes to adoption:

1. I can guarantee you that adoption will cost you something: If you choose to adopt a child it will cost you time and treasure.
   

2. I can guarantee you that adopted children will have struggles: Every adopted child will struggle in some way with his or her place in your family and in God’s plan.
   

3. I can guarantee you that adoption will teach you more about salvation than just about anything you could do: I will never look at passages like Ephesians 1:5 the same way again.
   

4. I can guarantee you that adoption will change a child’s life: We will not know this side of heaven how adoption has impacted both Elijah, Asher and Judah. However, we know their lives have been set on an entirely different trajectory than they would have been had God not seen fit to send them home with us.
   

5. I can guarantee you that adoption is an indispensable pro-life act: I do not believe that every Christian is called to adopt children. However, I do believe that it is critical for us to give young women alternatives when we plead with them to give their babies life.
   

VB

Timing...

Okay, so I was doing some looking around at some adoption websites, and I stumbled across the information that you see posted to the right on the blog. As of now, the adoption tax credit will expire in December 2010. I'm not sure what all this means yet, but I do know that if it does, then that could be yet another reason why Matt and I felt like we had to start the adoption process now. I can't imagine what will happen to the number of adoptions both domestically and internationally if that tax credit is allowed to expire. So, please contact your federal senators and representatives. Here's how to find out what their contact information is: http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml

All the money in the bank for the home study!

Whew! God is SO incredible the way he works!!!! We haven't gotten the bill for the home study yet, but all the money for it is in the bank! It has been AMAZING to watch the Lord take our doubting hearts and teach us about his provision and to have faith that he truly does own everything. Again - AMAZING. The last bit of money came as a blessing from two sweet friends - and God in his desire to get the most glory...had them give EXACTLY $120. Isn't he just great? I'm amazed by his love and provision for his wayward-hearted children :).

Next step, we turn in our profile books, fill out new financial statements (Bethany came out with some new ones in between when we filled out our paperwork and now - so, we're going to turn those in as soon as our case worker gets back from vacation), and then within the month, we'll be presented to prospective birth parents. I can't believe it!

Now, on a totally different note, and this blog is about our adoption so I've refrained from anecdotes about my current adorable kids - but I can't resist sharing a few cute statements from my two year old over the past few days.

1. The girls have been repeatedly getting into the cabinet with the DVDs, and we've been working on training them not to do that. So, I was changing a diaper, and I hear Josh telling Karissa when she opens the door: "No, ma'am. This is just ridiculous. Go get another toy. No, wait, I'll get you another toy." At which point he proceeds to go and get her a toy to keep her from getting in any more trouble. I just died laughing as I heard him parroting my words :).

2. Kathleen was pitching a fit at the table while we were eating lunch. So, Josh says, "Mommy, Kathleen misses her Daddy. That's why she's crying." I said, "Oh, really, I think she's just ready to get down." Josh: "No, Mommy. She misses her Daddy." Me: "Oh. I see. And do you miss your Daddy?" Josh: "Yeah. But I'm a big boy. I'm not crying about it." SO CUTE!

3. Josh spilled some rice that he wasn't supposed to be playing with on the floor, so...Karen: "That's why I told you not to play with it. Now Mommy's going to have to sweep it up once I finish what I'm doing." I go back to my task and all of a sudden I hear clunk, clunk. And here comes Josh with the broom. Josh: "I'm sorry Mommy. I made mess. I clean it up. I sorry."

I love 2 1/2!!! His verbal skills are just leaping forward and he cracks me up! Well...enough of my I love my kids posting :).

Treasure Locations

So, wanted to update you guys on the latest news on our adoption front. Can I just say that this whole process has been such a stretching time for us. God has definitely been showing us the areas of our heart where we are so depraved. And it has not been a pleasant unveiling. So, let me walk you guys through the last few days of our conversations with the Lord so that hopefully you guys can benefit from our transparency and be amazed as we are at God's provision.

Two nights ago, Matt and I were praying and the Lord laid two verses on our hearts. First, the kingdom of God is like a man who found a treasure hidden in a field who went and sold all he had to buy the field. And also, do not store up treasures here on earth where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal, but store up treasures in heaven (my paraphrase on both of those). So, where did that lead us? We realized that we had been waiting for God to pour out blessings of money from heaven through others to provide for our adoption like he did with the manna in the wilderness. And that could still be how he provides for us. BUT, God began to show us that we were holding on to some treasures here on earth and not laying up treasures in heaven. I had always seen myself as not sentimental or attached to things. Hey, I was a missionary. I put all my belongings in four suitcases 9 years ago, and didn't collect a lot while I was serving. But, it's amazing how many treasures we've collected over the past 6 years of our marriage. So...where did that take us? What are our treasures? What did God want for us to give up for this adoption?

For me, I have two things that are priceless to me (and pricey in the eyes of the world :) - my really nice sewing machine, and a really nice camera. And God showed me that they were treasures. So, through a few tears, we posted them on Craig's list last night. For Matt, when his father died, he inherited all of his tools. They remind him of his father, they are his inheritance. But, God gave him Scriptures about the fact that God has given him an eternal inheritance, much more precious than this earthly one. So, he's going to sell a couple of the larger tools. And he's also selling two instruments, and a digital recording ministudio. We realized that these were things that stood between us and adopting our son or daughter. We realized that this was not the time for manna from heaven - though that time may come - this was the time for sacrifice on our parts to demonstrate to the Lord that we were truly in this. We would sacrifice anything for our biological children - no questions, no hesitation. And God was asking us - why would you not sacrifice for your adopted child? If we were having trouble paying for me to deliver at the hospital - Matt and I would stop at nothing to see our child safely brought into this world. God showed us that we needed to have just that much commitment to our next child. He did not spare anything for us - his adopted children - to the point of the blood sacrifice of his own "biological" child.

So, that's where we are - items posted and waiting. And do you want to know the amazing part? Tonight, after our obedience (which we are still going to follow through with), someone who used to question the timing of our adoption, gave us $700 towards the cost of our home study. So now, we only have $120 left. Isn't God amazing? Sacrifice + manna from heaven. We are in awe of our amazing God, and it is such a privilege to share this with all of you.

Home Study - COMPLETE!!!

Whew! What a whirlwind few weeks! Three home study visits, a trip to Asheville, sick kids, sick Mommy and Daddy, etc. But...the actual visit to the house was today. I know she wasn't checking to see when the last time I dusted was, but I've spent the last few weeks finally unpacking the rest of the house, organizing things - getting rid of things, etc. - remember we moved a week after the girls were born, so yes - we've been here almost a year - but unpacking has not been my first priority :). And Leah and Mary Kathryn came in to help me do the final cleaning. Can I just say, that my house has never looked as good as it does now? I dust - Mary Kathryn DUSTS :). She's amazing - oh, to have her eye for order and cleanliness :). But, I digress - you guys aren't reading this to hear about my lack of innate sense of order.

The last two meetings were great. The second meeting consisted of going over our biographies (these are the BOOKS that Matt and I had to write about ourselves where we answered every question under the sun). I can see where these would be difficult for some people, but Matt and I don't really have any skeletons in the closet, and those parts of our lives that aren't as great we've moved past and resolved, so that meeting was a bit anti-climatic. Our case worker met with each of us separately for that one. But again, Matt and I are pretty much on the same page about everything and we've never had secrets from each other - so, no big deal.

Then, this final meeting consisted of a personal meeting between her and our pastor (we weren't there). And this is just basically to make sure we actually are involved like we said we were, and to make sure we don't go to some wacko church that's just really out there. And then, she comes out to see our house. This portion is basically to make sure that the baby has a place to sleep and to give a few more details to the birth parents about where their child will be living. For example, what the neighborhood is like, do the prospective adoptive parents actually know their neighbors, are their fire arms in the house and are they locked up, are there smoke detectors, how many beds, how many baths, how big is the house, etc. - again, just to let the birth parents know as much about the environment the child will be raised in as possible. So, that was good. And actually, there was a mix-up in the times for the church meeting, so she ended up just staying here and chatting for about 30 minutes. And it was such a blessing. She got to really get to know our kids and we were able to just talk through some more of our process. And it was just a really sweet time. We are just so thankful that God gave us that time. It was just helpful at least for me because she was able to step out of her role as case worker and just talk to us. She also told us that it was really refreshing to be working with us since our parameters for adoption were broader than what a lot of people are open to. So, again, just a great, great meeting.

And then...Matt had a comp day because he traveled over the weekend, so we took the kids and went down to the Marbles Kids Museum in Raleigh. We had a blast. We have had a lot of stress on us over the last few weeks, and we needed a BREAK! So, we hightailed it out of our house and just relaxed with our precious three children. It was so much fun.

Just keep praying for us! Next up...we can apply for grants. So, as soon as we get our home study paperwork back, that's the next step. We'll keep you posted! And keep praying for our finances. We're still about $900 short for the money we need for the home study - and obviously - the bill will be coming in the mail soon. Thanks to everyone whose contributed to our precious child. You're the greatest!

The Finances of Adoption

Well, today is our next home study meeting (at 10:45) - we had to push it back to today because Josh was running a 103 degree fever. He's better now.

Today I thought I'd tackle the finances of adoption. This will vary based on domestic and international adoption, but this will give you guys an indication of what is involved. For additional general information, click here.

For Bethany Christian services, the home study is the third time we've paid money. You pay a small fee to process your preliminary application. Then, you pay another fee to process your formal application. Finally (the point we're at now), you pay $3100 for a home study. Bethany's home studies are more expensive than a lot of other agencies, but their cost at the end is lower. So, they have a higher home study fee to help spread the cost of the adoption out a bit for the adoptive parents. At the time that you receive your child, you pay the remainder of the cost of the adoption. For us, that will be $15,000-$19,000.

So, here's a breakdown of what and when you pay money with a domestic infant/toddler adoption:

Preliminary and Formal Application Fees (for us - $650)
Family Assessment, Administrative, Educational Fees (Home Study) - $3100
Placement Fee Balance and Adoption Supervision (due at placement) - (Bethany works on a scale based on income, but we will owe - $11,250

So, how can we afford this?

Once adoptive parents have completed a home study, they are eligible to apply for all kinds of financial aid. These include grants (like Caroline's Promise for NC residents and Shoahannah's Hope which is Steven Curtis Chapman's grant foundation). Once you apply for grants there are also loans available. One example is the Abba Fund which provides interest-free loans for adopting families. Because these loans are interest-free they try and remain as the last possible way to obtain funds. And finally, the federal and most state governments provide tax credits for adoption.

The way that these tax credits work is once the adoption is finalized (which can take 6 months to a year post placement) you receive up to $12,000 from federal, and up to $6000 in tax credits from NC over the course of 5 years (minus the amount of any grants, donations, etc.). Let me explain this as it applies to us personally. For example, Matt and I will pay our adoption expenses out of pocket this year. Once the adoption is finalized (6-18 months after placement) when we file the next year's taxes, we will claim an adoption tax credit. We can claim whatever expenses we have paid in minus any grants, etc. Then, over the course of the next five years, we will receive a refund from the government for our taxes that we paid in in the amount of our expenses. This, more than anything else makes adoption affordable now.

However, while all of this is great, the problem is cash flow. What do you do until in 5 years you are reimbursed for your adoption expenses? Matt and I don't have $15,000 sitting in the bank right now. If we took out a second loan on our house to pay for this, we would end up paying a huge amount in interest, as well as be in debt and that would go on our credit. So...we do not want to go into debt during this time unless it is to the Abba Fund since that is an interest free loan, but they can only cover the few thousand at the end that you cannot raise and save for.

So, what can you do? Please pray that we stay out of debt during this time. We are also $1000 short for our home study. We cannot apply for any grants or loans until after this portion of our adoption process is complete. Would you please pray and see if God would have you give towards our adoption? This is a major leap of faith for us, and we absolutely understand if you can't, but we felt like we needed to let you guys know exactly where we were financially during this time. We spent last night coming before the Lord again and he was so clear that we were to continue this process right now and that we needed to be faithful and stay the course. Pray for our faith during this. We love you all!

Friend and Family Responses

Several of our family members have questioned how we have come to this decision – first, to adopt in general, and second, how could we be considering this now.

So, while we have spoken or are going to speak with each person individually, I thought it might be a good idea to share some of the Scriptures God has given us – both on adoption and on timing. Because while it may cause me to bristle at the questions – they are spoken because they love us, and while I may feel like it’s a misplaced concern – it is still concern.

The point of this blog is to share this journey so that either those who are planning to adopt, or those who know people who are planning to adopt can understand the process a little better. So, today I thought I’d tackle friend and family responses. This is in no way meant to be derogatory to the people that love us and have concerns. Our letter that we sent out would have been 10 pages long if I had included all of this process in it.

So…to begin. After the initial ‘the girls are 6 weeks old, and God’s telling me to start the process of adoption’ conversation with my husband, we went through and looked up every verse on adoption, orphans, and fatherless in the Bible. I’ll include those in a future blog because this is going to be way too long as it is. But, what we came away with was that God is for the fatherless. It’s interesting because while there is not a direct correlation between orphan and fatherless in Scripture – the same language is used of both. I’m not making a statement against single moms here, but we would do well to realize that there is a need for the child of a single mom to receive help in ways that a child would not need to receive help if there was a father in the picture. In the Old Testament, they were to receive financial help (something we should definitely do) but also they had a special place in God’s heart. If you wronged the orphan/fatherless, you received a special wrath from God. And interestingly enough in the reasons for the captivity of Israel, mistreating the fatherless and widows was in there.

So, that was our premise for why we felt like we should adopt. God had laid this on our hearts as more than an intellectual knowledge. We could not get away from it. And so, while the thought terrified us, we knew that if we did not begin to pursue this process, we would be in outright rebellion against the Lord. And one of the Scriptures that God gave us during this time of questioning was Psalm 84, and I’ll just give you part of one verse for the sake of space: Psalm 84:10a For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. And that was our desire – we wanted to dwell within God’s ‘courts’ within his will as opposed to spending any time outside of his will.

But, that doesn’t answer the question of timing. Many people feel like they should consider adoption at some point, so our next quest was ‘why now, God?’ And for this you’ll need to trust us a little more because no, we did not get a “go forth and adopt today” Scripture, but I think if you read through this, it will give you a better understanding of how we came to be sure that this was indeed the timing.

We have come before the Lord 3 different times (and those are just the ones that I can distinctly remember) asking him (not necessarily doubting, but knowing we had to have no will of our own in this and we had to be certain that he was leading since it made very little logical sense) for his will as far as timing. The first one was when we turned in our preliminary application with our first set of money. And God gave us Deuteronomy 26: 12 “When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year, which is the year of tithing, giving it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled…” While this may seem like a random verse, it spoke to our hearts because 1) it was right where we were reading in our quiet times (i.e., we didn’t go looking for it), and 2) it was the third year of our starting of our family. Please don’t think that I’m trying to yank this out of context, but it was confirmation to us that God was still calling us to minister to the fatherless, and since we had approached this time of prayer and fasting with a question about timing, we felt like God had confirmed it to us.

The next time of pursuit of God’s will, where we felt like we needed another confirmation from him was before we turned in the formal application with more money. There are several reasons that we kept coming to him multiple times: first, we needed to be open to the fact that we could have been wrong. We didn’t want to doggedly pursue this without coming before him to be sure we were still heading in the right direction. And also, we have never had the money to pull this off. We had to be certain before we put out money that we weren’t starting something that we couldn’t finish. Now, logically, we cannot finish this adoption process. We can’t afford it. Period. But, the Scriptures that God gave us this time were quite specific. It was Matthew 6:19-34. I won’t type out the whole passage, but basically we felt like God was telling us not to store up our treasures here on earth, and that adoption was a way of pleasing God and storing up treasures in heaven. That passage also ends with not serving money, but serving God.
And then, because God knows our wayward hearts, the next passage was so poignant. Be anxious for nothing, for God will supply your needs. And I will type out the next few verses: (30-33) “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” So, we sent off the next check and the formal application.

Next came the mountains of paperwork for our home study. And it was time to send those off, and to sign a contract with Bethany. So, we approached the Lord again. This time, it wasn’t really in anxiousness; it was more for prudence to confirm, yes, we are to continue this process now. And the Lord gave us Psalm 82: 3-4 “Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” Again, right where we were reading. So, we sent of the contract and the mountains of paperwork.

And for several months, we waited. And then, we got the call for the home study. And to be honest, I was scared to death. It’s been a hard path to walk trusting in the Lord when you don’t have the money to back it up. Up until then, it had been a well, it’s in the future, but God has been good and he will provide. And he has, but not for the whole thing by any stretch of the imagination. But, God knew our hearts and that they were fearful, and so friends of ours (who shall remain nameless) gave us a check for $1000 and another set of friends committed to give us $50 a month until our baby comes home. God knew we needed something a little more tangible this time and he was so gracious to provide it in a monetary way. But, it’s been scary. You don’t want to make a foolish decision, but even more than that, we didn’t want to be out of the center of God’s will. So, that’s where we are. And I have no doubt that God will provide – just not early.

So, that brings us to the final passage God gave us. This was in regards to – do we go forward without the money to finish this at this time. And the Lord gave us Ezra 5-6 (thank you women leadership of North Wake for this timely bible study!). In Ezra 5, Haggai and Zechariah prophesy to the people of Israel to begin to start building the temple again. And you know what really spoke to Matt and me? They did it without permission from the king. They didn’t know if he would stop them or not, but they stepped out in faith and did it. And that was our confirmation that now was the time. That we were to step out in faith and do it. And Ezra 6 was such an amazing chapter. King Artaxerxes not only endorsed their rebuilding, he paid for it and gave them more than they could have ever hoped for.

So, that’s our journey. I know this was incredibly long (now do you see why I didn’t include it all in the letter?) But I hope this helps someone else who is or will go through this process. Because it’s a major leap of faith, but God is good, and he is faithful to walk us through the process.