So, wanted to update you guys on the latest news on our adoption front. Can I just say that this whole process has been such a stretching time for us. God has definitely been showing us the areas of our heart where we are so depraved. And it has not been a pleasant unveiling. So, let me walk you guys through the last few days of our conversations with the Lord so that hopefully you guys can benefit from our transparency and be amazed as we are at God's provision.
Two nights ago, Matt and I were praying and the Lord laid two verses on our hearts. First, the kingdom of God is like a man who found a treasure hidden in a field who went and sold all he had to buy the field. And also, do not store up treasures here on earth where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal, but store up treasures in heaven (my paraphrase on both of those). So, where did that lead us? We realized that we had been waiting for God to pour out blessings of money from heaven through others to provide for our adoption like he did with the manna in the wilderness. And that could still be how he provides for us. BUT, God began to show us that we were holding on to some treasures here on earth and not laying up treasures in heaven. I had always seen myself as not sentimental or attached to things. Hey, I was a missionary. I put all my belongings in four suitcases 9 years ago, and didn't collect a lot while I was serving. But, it's amazing how many treasures we've collected over the past 6 years of our marriage. So...where did that take us? What are our treasures? What did God want for us to give up for this adoption?
For me, I have two things that are priceless to me (and pricey in the eyes of the world :) - my really nice sewing machine, and a really nice camera. And God showed me that they were treasures. So, through a few tears, we posted them on Craig's list last night. For Matt, when his father died, he inherited all of his tools. They remind him of his father, they are his inheritance. But, God gave him Scriptures about the fact that God has given him an eternal inheritance, much more precious than this earthly one. So, he's going to sell a couple of the larger tools. And he's also selling two instruments, and a digital recording ministudio. We realized that these were things that stood between us and adopting our son or daughter. We realized that this was not the time for manna from heaven - though that time may come - this was the time for sacrifice on our parts to demonstrate to the Lord that we were truly in this. We would sacrifice anything for our biological children - no questions, no hesitation. And God was asking us - why would you not sacrifice for your adopted child? If we were having trouble paying for me to deliver at the hospital - Matt and I would stop at nothing to see our child safely brought into this world. God showed us that we needed to have just that much commitment to our next child. He did not spare anything for us - his adopted children - to the point of the blood sacrifice of his own "biological" child.
So, that's where we are - items posted and waiting. And do you want to know the amazing part? Tonight, after our obedience (which we are still going to follow through with), someone who used to question the timing of our adoption, gave us $700 towards the cost of our home study. So now, we only have $120 left. Isn't God amazing? Sacrifice + manna from heaven. We are in awe of our amazing God, and it is such a privilege to share this with all of you.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Home Study - COMPLETE!!!
Whew! What a whirlwind few weeks! Three home study visits, a trip to Asheville, sick kids, sick Mommy and Daddy, etc. But...the actual visit to the house was today. I know she wasn't checking to see when the last time I dusted was, but I've spent the last few weeks finally unpacking the rest of the house, organizing things - getting rid of things, etc. - remember we moved a week after the girls were born, so yes - we've been here almost a year - but unpacking has not been my first priority :). And Leah and Mary Kathryn came in to help me do the final cleaning. Can I just say, that my house has never looked as good as it does now? I dust - Mary Kathryn DUSTS :). She's amazing - oh, to have her eye for order and cleanliness :). But, I digress - you guys aren't reading this to hear about my lack of innate sense of order.
The last two meetings were great. The second meeting consisted of going over our biographies (these are the BOOKS that Matt and I had to write about ourselves where we answered every question under the sun). I can see where these would be difficult for some people, but Matt and I don't really have any skeletons in the closet, and those parts of our lives that aren't as great we've moved past and resolved, so that meeting was a bit anti-climatic. Our case worker met with each of us separately for that one. But again, Matt and I are pretty much on the same page about everything and we've never had secrets from each other - so, no big deal.
Then, this final meeting consisted of a personal meeting between her and our pastor (we weren't there). And this is just basically to make sure we actually are involved like we said we were, and to make sure we don't go to some wacko church that's just really out there. And then, she comes out to see our house. This portion is basically to make sure that the baby has a place to sleep and to give a few more details to the birth parents about where their child will be living. For example, what the neighborhood is like, do the prospective adoptive parents actually know their neighbors, are their fire arms in the house and are they locked up, are there smoke detectors, how many beds, how many baths, how big is the house, etc. - again, just to let the birth parents know as much about the environment the child will be raised in as possible. So, that was good. And actually, there was a mix-up in the times for the church meeting, so she ended up just staying here and chatting for about 30 minutes. And it was such a blessing. She got to really get to know our kids and we were able to just talk through some more of our process. And it was just a really sweet time. We are just so thankful that God gave us that time. It was just helpful at least for me because she was able to step out of her role as case worker and just talk to us. She also told us that it was really refreshing to be working with us since our parameters for adoption were broader than what a lot of people are open to. So, again, just a great, great meeting.
And then...Matt had a comp day because he traveled over the weekend, so we took the kids and went down to the Marbles Kids Museum in Raleigh. We had a blast. We have had a lot of stress on us over the last few weeks, and we needed a BREAK! So, we hightailed it out of our house and just relaxed with our precious three children. It was so much fun.
Just keep praying for us! Next up...we can apply for grants. So, as soon as we get our home study paperwork back, that's the next step. We'll keep you posted! And keep praying for our finances. We're still about $900 short for the money we need for the home study - and obviously - the bill will be coming in the mail soon. Thanks to everyone whose contributed to our precious child. You're the greatest!
The last two meetings were great. The second meeting consisted of going over our biographies (these are the BOOKS that Matt and I had to write about ourselves where we answered every question under the sun). I can see where these would be difficult for some people, but Matt and I don't really have any skeletons in the closet, and those parts of our lives that aren't as great we've moved past and resolved, so that meeting was a bit anti-climatic. Our case worker met with each of us separately for that one. But again, Matt and I are pretty much on the same page about everything and we've never had secrets from each other - so, no big deal.
Then, this final meeting consisted of a personal meeting between her and our pastor (we weren't there). And this is just basically to make sure we actually are involved like we said we were, and to make sure we don't go to some wacko church that's just really out there. And then, she comes out to see our house. This portion is basically to make sure that the baby has a place to sleep and to give a few more details to the birth parents about where their child will be living. For example, what the neighborhood is like, do the prospective adoptive parents actually know their neighbors, are their fire arms in the house and are they locked up, are there smoke detectors, how many beds, how many baths, how big is the house, etc. - again, just to let the birth parents know as much about the environment the child will be raised in as possible. So, that was good. And actually, there was a mix-up in the times for the church meeting, so she ended up just staying here and chatting for about 30 minutes. And it was such a blessing. She got to really get to know our kids and we were able to just talk through some more of our process. And it was just a really sweet time. We are just so thankful that God gave us that time. It was just helpful at least for me because she was able to step out of her role as case worker and just talk to us. She also told us that it was really refreshing to be working with us since our parameters for adoption were broader than what a lot of people are open to. So, again, just a great, great meeting.
And then...Matt had a comp day because he traveled over the weekend, so we took the kids and went down to the Marbles Kids Museum in Raleigh. We had a blast. We have had a lot of stress on us over the last few weeks, and we needed a BREAK! So, we hightailed it out of our house and just relaxed with our precious three children. It was so much fun.
Just keep praying for us! Next up...we can apply for grants. So, as soon as we get our home study paperwork back, that's the next step. We'll keep you posted! And keep praying for our finances. We're still about $900 short for the money we need for the home study - and obviously - the bill will be coming in the mail soon. Thanks to everyone whose contributed to our precious child. You're the greatest!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Finances of Adoption
Well, today is our next home study meeting (at 10:45) - we had to push it back to today because Josh was running a 103 degree fever. He's better now.
Today I thought I'd tackle the finances of adoption. This will vary based on domestic and international adoption, but this will give you guys an indication of what is involved. For additional general information, click here.
For Bethany Christian services, the home study is the third time we've paid money. You pay a small fee to process your preliminary application. Then, you pay another fee to process your formal application. Finally (the point we're at now), you pay $3100 for a home study. Bethany's home studies are more expensive than a lot of other agencies, but their cost at the end is lower. So, they have a higher home study fee to help spread the cost of the adoption out a bit for the adoptive parents. At the time that you receive your child, you pay the remainder of the cost of the adoption. For us, that will be $15,000-$19,000.
So, here's a breakdown of what and when you pay money with a domestic infant/toddler adoption:
Preliminary and Formal Application Fees (for us - $650)
Family Assessment, Administrative, Educational Fees (Home Study) - $3100
Placement Fee Balance and Adoption Supervision (due at placement) - (Bethany works on a scale based on income, but we will owe - $11,250
So, how can we afford this?
Once adoptive parents have completed a home study, they are eligible to apply for all kinds of financial aid. These include grants (like Caroline's Promise for NC residents and Shoahannah's Hope which is Steven Curtis Chapman's grant foundation). Once you apply for grants there are also loans available. One example is the Abba Fund which provides interest-free loans for adopting families. Because these loans are interest-free they try and remain as the last possible way to obtain funds. And finally, the federal and most state governments provide tax credits for adoption.
The way that these tax credits work is once the adoption is finalized (which can take 6 months to a year post placement) you receive up to $12,000 from federal, and up to $6000 in tax credits from NC over the course of 5 years (minus the amount of any grants, donations, etc.). Let me explain this as it applies to us personally. For example, Matt and I will pay our adoption expenses out of pocket this year. Once the adoption is finalized (6-18 months after placement) when we file the next year's taxes, we will claim an adoption tax credit. We can claim whatever expenses we have paid in minus any grants, etc. Then, over the course of the next five years, we will receive a refund from the government for our taxes that we paid in in the amount of our expenses. This, more than anything else makes adoption affordable now.
However, while all of this is great, the problem is cash flow. What do you do until in 5 years you are reimbursed for your adoption expenses? Matt and I don't have $15,000 sitting in the bank right now. If we took out a second loan on our house to pay for this, we would end up paying a huge amount in interest, as well as be in debt and that would go on our credit. So...we do not want to go into debt during this time unless it is to the Abba Fund since that is an interest free loan, but they can only cover the few thousand at the end that you cannot raise and save for.
So, what can you do? Please pray that we stay out of debt during this time. We are also $1000 short for our home study. We cannot apply for any grants or loans until after this portion of our adoption process is complete. Would you please pray and see if God would have you give towards our adoption? This is a major leap of faith for us, and we absolutely understand if you can't, but we felt like we needed to let you guys know exactly where we were financially during this time. We spent last night coming before the Lord again and he was so clear that we were to continue this process right now and that we needed to be faithful and stay the course. Pray for our faith during this. We love you all!
Today I thought I'd tackle the finances of adoption. This will vary based on domestic and international adoption, but this will give you guys an indication of what is involved. For additional general information, click here.
For Bethany Christian services, the home study is the third time we've paid money. You pay a small fee to process your preliminary application. Then, you pay another fee to process your formal application. Finally (the point we're at now), you pay $3100 for a home study. Bethany's home studies are more expensive than a lot of other agencies, but their cost at the end is lower. So, they have a higher home study fee to help spread the cost of the adoption out a bit for the adoptive parents. At the time that you receive your child, you pay the remainder of the cost of the adoption. For us, that will be $15,000-$19,000.
So, here's a breakdown of what and when you pay money with a domestic infant/toddler adoption:
Preliminary and Formal Application Fees (for us - $650)
Family Assessment, Administrative, Educational Fees (Home Study) - $3100
Placement Fee Balance and Adoption Supervision (due at placement) - (Bethany works on a scale based on income, but we will owe - $11,250
So, how can we afford this?
Once adoptive parents have completed a home study, they are eligible to apply for all kinds of financial aid. These include grants (like Caroline's Promise for NC residents and Shoahannah's Hope which is Steven Curtis Chapman's grant foundation). Once you apply for grants there are also loans available. One example is the Abba Fund which provides interest-free loans for adopting families. Because these loans are interest-free they try and remain as the last possible way to obtain funds. And finally, the federal and most state governments provide tax credits for adoption.
The way that these tax credits work is once the adoption is finalized (which can take 6 months to a year post placement) you receive up to $12,000 from federal, and up to $6000 in tax credits from NC over the course of 5 years (minus the amount of any grants, donations, etc.). Let me explain this as it applies to us personally. For example, Matt and I will pay our adoption expenses out of pocket this year. Once the adoption is finalized (6-18 months after placement) when we file the next year's taxes, we will claim an adoption tax credit. We can claim whatever expenses we have paid in minus any grants, etc. Then, over the course of the next five years, we will receive a refund from the government for our taxes that we paid in in the amount of our expenses. This, more than anything else makes adoption affordable now.
However, while all of this is great, the problem is cash flow. What do you do until in 5 years you are reimbursed for your adoption expenses? Matt and I don't have $15,000 sitting in the bank right now. If we took out a second loan on our house to pay for this, we would end up paying a huge amount in interest, as well as be in debt and that would go on our credit. So...we do not want to go into debt during this time unless it is to the Abba Fund since that is an interest free loan, but they can only cover the few thousand at the end that you cannot raise and save for.
So, what can you do? Please pray that we stay out of debt during this time. We are also $1000 short for our home study. We cannot apply for any grants or loans until after this portion of our adoption process is complete. Would you please pray and see if God would have you give towards our adoption? This is a major leap of faith for us, and we absolutely understand if you can't, but we felt like we needed to let you guys know exactly where we were financially during this time. We spent last night coming before the Lord again and he was so clear that we were to continue this process right now and that we needed to be faithful and stay the course. Pray for our faith during this. We love you all!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friend and Family Responses
Several of our family members have questioned how we have come to this decision – first, to adopt in general, and second, how could we be considering this now.
So, while we have spoken or are going to speak with each person individually, I thought it might be a good idea to share some of the Scriptures God has given us – both on adoption and on timing. Because while it may cause me to bristle at the questions – they are spoken because they love us, and while I may feel like it’s a misplaced concern – it is still concern.
The point of this blog is to share this journey so that either those who are planning to adopt, or those who know people who are planning to adopt can understand the process a little better. So, today I thought I’d tackle friend and family responses. This is in no way meant to be derogatory to the people that love us and have concerns. Our letter that we sent out would have been 10 pages long if I had included all of this process in it.
So…to begin. After the initial ‘the girls are 6 weeks old, and God’s telling me to start the process of adoption’ conversation with my husband, we went through and looked up every verse on adoption, orphans, and fatherless in the Bible. I’ll include those in a future blog because this is going to be way too long as it is. But, what we came away with was that God is for the fatherless. It’s interesting because while there is not a direct correlation between orphan and fatherless in Scripture – the same language is used of both. I’m not making a statement against single moms here, but we would do well to realize that there is a need for the child of a single mom to receive help in ways that a child would not need to receive help if there was a father in the picture. In the Old Testament, they were to receive financial help (something we should definitely do) but also they had a special place in God’s heart. If you wronged the orphan/fatherless, you received a special wrath from God. And interestingly enough in the reasons for the captivity of Israel, mistreating the fatherless and widows was in there.
So, that was our premise for why we felt like we should adopt. God had laid this on our hearts as more than an intellectual knowledge. We could not get away from it. And so, while the thought terrified us, we knew that if we did not begin to pursue this process, we would be in outright rebellion against the Lord. And one of the Scriptures that God gave us during this time of questioning was Psalm 84, and I’ll just give you part of one verse for the sake of space: Psalm 84:10a For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. And that was our desire – we wanted to dwell within God’s ‘courts’ within his will as opposed to spending any time outside of his will.
But, that doesn’t answer the question of timing. Many people feel like they should consider adoption at some point, so our next quest was ‘why now, God?’ And for this you’ll need to trust us a little more because no, we did not get a “go forth and adopt today” Scripture, but I think if you read through this, it will give you a better understanding of how we came to be sure that this was indeed the timing.
We have come before the Lord 3 different times (and those are just the ones that I can distinctly remember) asking him (not necessarily doubting, but knowing we had to have no will of our own in this and we had to be certain that he was leading since it made very little logical sense) for his will as far as timing. The first one was when we turned in our preliminary application with our first set of money. And God gave us Deuteronomy 26: 12 “When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year, which is the year of tithing, giving it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled…” While this may seem like a random verse, it spoke to our hearts because 1) it was right where we were reading in our quiet times (i.e., we didn’t go looking for it), and 2) it was the third year of our starting of our family. Please don’t think that I’m trying to yank this out of context, but it was confirmation to us that God was still calling us to minister to the fatherless, and since we had approached this time of prayer and fasting with a question about timing, we felt like God had confirmed it to us.
The next time of pursuit of God’s will, where we felt like we needed another confirmation from him was before we turned in the formal application with more money. There are several reasons that we kept coming to him multiple times: first, we needed to be open to the fact that we could have been wrong. We didn’t want to doggedly pursue this without coming before him to be sure we were still heading in the right direction. And also, we have never had the money to pull this off. We had to be certain before we put out money that we weren’t starting something that we couldn’t finish. Now, logically, we cannot finish this adoption process. We can’t afford it. Period. But, the Scriptures that God gave us this time were quite specific. It was Matthew 6:19-34. I won’t type out the whole passage, but basically we felt like God was telling us not to store up our treasures here on earth, and that adoption was a way of pleasing God and storing up treasures in heaven. That passage also ends with not serving money, but serving God.
And then, because God knows our wayward hearts, the next passage was so poignant. Be anxious for nothing, for God will supply your needs. And I will type out the next few verses: (30-33) “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” So, we sent off the next check and the formal application.
Next came the mountains of paperwork for our home study. And it was time to send those off, and to sign a contract with Bethany. So, we approached the Lord again. This time, it wasn’t really in anxiousness; it was more for prudence to confirm, yes, we are to continue this process now. And the Lord gave us Psalm 82: 3-4 “Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” Again, right where we were reading. So, we sent of the contract and the mountains of paperwork.
And for several months, we waited. And then, we got the call for the home study. And to be honest, I was scared to death. It’s been a hard path to walk trusting in the Lord when you don’t have the money to back it up. Up until then, it had been a well, it’s in the future, but God has been good and he will provide. And he has, but not for the whole thing by any stretch of the imagination. But, God knew our hearts and that they were fearful, and so friends of ours (who shall remain nameless) gave us a check for $1000 and another set of friends committed to give us $50 a month until our baby comes home. God knew we needed something a little more tangible this time and he was so gracious to provide it in a monetary way. But, it’s been scary. You don’t want to make a foolish decision, but even more than that, we didn’t want to be out of the center of God’s will. So, that’s where we are. And I have no doubt that God will provide – just not early.
So, that brings us to the final passage God gave us. This was in regards to – do we go forward without the money to finish this at this time. And the Lord gave us Ezra 5-6 (thank you women leadership of North Wake for this timely bible study!). In Ezra 5, Haggai and Zechariah prophesy to the people of Israel to begin to start building the temple again. And you know what really spoke to Matt and me? They did it without permission from the king. They didn’t know if he would stop them or not, but they stepped out in faith and did it. And that was our confirmation that now was the time. That we were to step out in faith and do it. And Ezra 6 was such an amazing chapter. King Artaxerxes not only endorsed their rebuilding, he paid for it and gave them more than they could have ever hoped for.
So, that’s our journey. I know this was incredibly long (now do you see why I didn’t include it all in the letter?) But I hope this helps someone else who is or will go through this process. Because it’s a major leap of faith, but God is good, and he is faithful to walk us through the process.
So, while we have spoken or are going to speak with each person individually, I thought it might be a good idea to share some of the Scriptures God has given us – both on adoption and on timing. Because while it may cause me to bristle at the questions – they are spoken because they love us, and while I may feel like it’s a misplaced concern – it is still concern.
The point of this blog is to share this journey so that either those who are planning to adopt, or those who know people who are planning to adopt can understand the process a little better. So, today I thought I’d tackle friend and family responses. This is in no way meant to be derogatory to the people that love us and have concerns. Our letter that we sent out would have been 10 pages long if I had included all of this process in it.
So…to begin. After the initial ‘the girls are 6 weeks old, and God’s telling me to start the process of adoption’ conversation with my husband, we went through and looked up every verse on adoption, orphans, and fatherless in the Bible. I’ll include those in a future blog because this is going to be way too long as it is. But, what we came away with was that God is for the fatherless. It’s interesting because while there is not a direct correlation between orphan and fatherless in Scripture – the same language is used of both. I’m not making a statement against single moms here, but we would do well to realize that there is a need for the child of a single mom to receive help in ways that a child would not need to receive help if there was a father in the picture. In the Old Testament, they were to receive financial help (something we should definitely do) but also they had a special place in God’s heart. If you wronged the orphan/fatherless, you received a special wrath from God. And interestingly enough in the reasons for the captivity of Israel, mistreating the fatherless and widows was in there.
So, that was our premise for why we felt like we should adopt. God had laid this on our hearts as more than an intellectual knowledge. We could not get away from it. And so, while the thought terrified us, we knew that if we did not begin to pursue this process, we would be in outright rebellion against the Lord. And one of the Scriptures that God gave us during this time of questioning was Psalm 84, and I’ll just give you part of one verse for the sake of space: Psalm 84:10a For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. And that was our desire – we wanted to dwell within God’s ‘courts’ within his will as opposed to spending any time outside of his will.
But, that doesn’t answer the question of timing. Many people feel like they should consider adoption at some point, so our next quest was ‘why now, God?’ And for this you’ll need to trust us a little more because no, we did not get a “go forth and adopt today” Scripture, but I think if you read through this, it will give you a better understanding of how we came to be sure that this was indeed the timing.
We have come before the Lord 3 different times (and those are just the ones that I can distinctly remember) asking him (not necessarily doubting, but knowing we had to have no will of our own in this and we had to be certain that he was leading since it made very little logical sense) for his will as far as timing. The first one was when we turned in our preliminary application with our first set of money. And God gave us Deuteronomy 26: 12 “When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year, which is the year of tithing, giving it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled…” While this may seem like a random verse, it spoke to our hearts because 1) it was right where we were reading in our quiet times (i.e., we didn’t go looking for it), and 2) it was the third year of our starting of our family. Please don’t think that I’m trying to yank this out of context, but it was confirmation to us that God was still calling us to minister to the fatherless, and since we had approached this time of prayer and fasting with a question about timing, we felt like God had confirmed it to us.
The next time of pursuit of God’s will, where we felt like we needed another confirmation from him was before we turned in the formal application with more money. There are several reasons that we kept coming to him multiple times: first, we needed to be open to the fact that we could have been wrong. We didn’t want to doggedly pursue this without coming before him to be sure we were still heading in the right direction. And also, we have never had the money to pull this off. We had to be certain before we put out money that we weren’t starting something that we couldn’t finish. Now, logically, we cannot finish this adoption process. We can’t afford it. Period. But, the Scriptures that God gave us this time were quite specific. It was Matthew 6:19-34. I won’t type out the whole passage, but basically we felt like God was telling us not to store up our treasures here on earth, and that adoption was a way of pleasing God and storing up treasures in heaven. That passage also ends with not serving money, but serving God.
And then, because God knows our wayward hearts, the next passage was so poignant. Be anxious for nothing, for God will supply your needs. And I will type out the next few verses: (30-33) “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” So, we sent off the next check and the formal application.
Next came the mountains of paperwork for our home study. And it was time to send those off, and to sign a contract with Bethany. So, we approached the Lord again. This time, it wasn’t really in anxiousness; it was more for prudence to confirm, yes, we are to continue this process now. And the Lord gave us Psalm 82: 3-4 “Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” Again, right where we were reading. So, we sent of the contract and the mountains of paperwork.
And for several months, we waited. And then, we got the call for the home study. And to be honest, I was scared to death. It’s been a hard path to walk trusting in the Lord when you don’t have the money to back it up. Up until then, it had been a well, it’s in the future, but God has been good and he will provide. And he has, but not for the whole thing by any stretch of the imagination. But, God knew our hearts and that they were fearful, and so friends of ours (who shall remain nameless) gave us a check for $1000 and another set of friends committed to give us $50 a month until our baby comes home. God knew we needed something a little more tangible this time and he was so gracious to provide it in a monetary way. But, it’s been scary. You don’t want to make a foolish decision, but even more than that, we didn’t want to be out of the center of God’s will. So, that’s where we are. And I have no doubt that God will provide – just not early.
So, that brings us to the final passage God gave us. This was in regards to – do we go forward without the money to finish this at this time. And the Lord gave us Ezra 5-6 (thank you women leadership of North Wake for this timely bible study!). In Ezra 5, Haggai and Zechariah prophesy to the people of Israel to begin to start building the temple again. And you know what really spoke to Matt and me? They did it without permission from the king. They didn’t know if he would stop them or not, but they stepped out in faith and did it. And that was our confirmation that now was the time. That we were to step out in faith and do it. And Ezra 6 was such an amazing chapter. King Artaxerxes not only endorsed their rebuilding, he paid for it and gave them more than they could have ever hoped for.
So, that’s our journey. I know this was incredibly long (now do you see why I didn’t include it all in the letter?) But I hope this helps someone else who is or will go through this process. Because it’s a major leap of faith, but God is good, and he is faithful to walk us through the process.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
First Home Study Meeting
Well, yesterday was our first home study meeting. Basically, a home study is an evaluation of you as a couple to make sure that you are a suitable parent for an adopted child. It would be great if they had this process for biological children :). At least with Bethany, this is a 3 step process, and since I didn't know what to expect (and couldn't find it anywhere online), I thought it might help to share a few details of what ours has looked like so far.
Several months ago, Matt and I had to fill out about 30 pages (a piece) of biographical information. This covered every detail of our past, present, and what we hoped for for the future. It was really good to think about, and fortunately, because Matt and I have been dialoguing about parenting for a few years now, we were on the same page in that regard and we'd covered a lot of things in premarital counseling and have continued to talk about issues as they arise. But, I can see where if you didn't have children, this is a wonderful way to realize where you might differ in your opinions on parenting, especially details that don't seem like they are important at the time but end up becoming issues.
So, anyway, back to yesterday. Since it was our initial meeting, the first thing that our case worker (who was wonderful by the way) asked us was why we were adopting. So, Matt and I just went through our reasons (a lot of which is in the letter).
After that, the first meeting (again this may be different for different agencies) was to determine what they call our service plan. Basically this means, what type of child are you willing to adopt. And it may seem wrong to have criteria, but the reality is that you are bringing in a child with a totally different set of issues than you would be if it was your biological child. Let me give you some examples:
Will you take a child with any of the following:
Birth Mother:
* has an STI/STD
* is HIV positive
* used drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
* has used drugs/alcohol at some point in their past
* has a mental impairment
* has a disability
* a victim of rape or incest
* criminal background/in prison
* no prenatal care
Birth Father:
* same questions as birth mother
* what if they don't know who the birth father is
Child:
* willing to take twins/triplets
* chronic illness (cystic fibrosis, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.)
* surgically correctable condition (ex. cleft palette)
* vision/hearing problems
* of a different race than your own
Etc.
I tell you all those things because fortunately, Matt and I had already thought about those, but they do have to be considered. And on one hand that's difficult because you're placing "limits" on the children you are willing to adopt, but the one thing that Matt and I have learned through this process is that we have to be ready and able to care for the child that is placed in our care. So, you begin to have to consider, with three very small children, what can we handle? Can we logistically handle taking a baby to physical therapy 3-4 times a week? What is in the best interest of the child that we are adopting as well as our biological children. In the end, the only thing we came away with that we knew we could not do was to adopt a child with a communicable illness such as HIV because we have to protect the children that are already in our home and they are too young to know to wash their hands after coming into contact with bodily fluids. And some of the other issues we will have to consider on a case by case basis.
I do want to share one more thing with you that we found out during our meeting. I asked the case worker if they ever had children that they could not place for adoption because that has been weighing heavily on my heart through this process, and I was shocked by her answer. They have not had a problem placing any infants - even those with HIV and chronic problems. But, what they are running into and it is a new phenomenon primarily dealing with international adoptions are finding placements for children who have been adopted and then for whatever reason the family that has adopted them does not feel like they can handle them and wants to replace them for adoption within a different family. They are unable to find homes for some of these children. It has been very difficult on the Bethany staff, and so they have opened up a farm out west for these children if they are unable to replace them so that they have a home to go to. So, I wanted to share that because I think that many times people have an idealized version of what adoption, especially international adoption, is supposed to look like, and there are definite issues and difficulties that arise when a child lives in an orphanage for the first part of their lives. And if God is calling people to adopt, they need to go into it with their eyes wide open. I think international adoption is amazing, and I know a lot of people who have done it and I would not be surprised if our next child was an international adoption, but I think that it's better to go into the process knowing what types of bumps in the road there are going to be so that you are not surprised and potentially unable to cope when they happen.
So, I hope that catches everyone up to date. Our next meeting is April 21, and our final one is either the 28th or 29th. After that, we'll begin to be presented to expectant parents. We're so excited!
Several months ago, Matt and I had to fill out about 30 pages (a piece) of biographical information. This covered every detail of our past, present, and what we hoped for for the future. It was really good to think about, and fortunately, because Matt and I have been dialoguing about parenting for a few years now, we were on the same page in that regard and we'd covered a lot of things in premarital counseling and have continued to talk about issues as they arise. But, I can see where if you didn't have children, this is a wonderful way to realize where you might differ in your opinions on parenting, especially details that don't seem like they are important at the time but end up becoming issues.
So, anyway, back to yesterday. Since it was our initial meeting, the first thing that our case worker (who was wonderful by the way) asked us was why we were adopting. So, Matt and I just went through our reasons (a lot of which is in the letter).
After that, the first meeting (again this may be different for different agencies) was to determine what they call our service plan. Basically this means, what type of child are you willing to adopt. And it may seem wrong to have criteria, but the reality is that you are bringing in a child with a totally different set of issues than you would be if it was your biological child. Let me give you some examples:
Will you take a child with any of the following:
Birth Mother:
* has an STI/STD
* is HIV positive
* used drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
* has used drugs/alcohol at some point in their past
* has a mental impairment
* has a disability
* a victim of rape or incest
* criminal background/in prison
* no prenatal care
Birth Father:
* same questions as birth mother
* what if they don't know who the birth father is
Child:
* willing to take twins/triplets
* chronic illness (cystic fibrosis, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.)
* surgically correctable condition (ex. cleft palette)
* vision/hearing problems
* of a different race than your own
Etc.
I tell you all those things because fortunately, Matt and I had already thought about those, but they do have to be considered. And on one hand that's difficult because you're placing "limits" on the children you are willing to adopt, but the one thing that Matt and I have learned through this process is that we have to be ready and able to care for the child that is placed in our care. So, you begin to have to consider, with three very small children, what can we handle? Can we logistically handle taking a baby to physical therapy 3-4 times a week? What is in the best interest of the child that we are adopting as well as our biological children. In the end, the only thing we came away with that we knew we could not do was to adopt a child with a communicable illness such as HIV because we have to protect the children that are already in our home and they are too young to know to wash their hands after coming into contact with bodily fluids. And some of the other issues we will have to consider on a case by case basis.
I do want to share one more thing with you that we found out during our meeting. I asked the case worker if they ever had children that they could not place for adoption because that has been weighing heavily on my heart through this process, and I was shocked by her answer. They have not had a problem placing any infants - even those with HIV and chronic problems. But, what they are running into and it is a new phenomenon primarily dealing with international adoptions are finding placements for children who have been adopted and then for whatever reason the family that has adopted them does not feel like they can handle them and wants to replace them for adoption within a different family. They are unable to find homes for some of these children. It has been very difficult on the Bethany staff, and so they have opened up a farm out west for these children if they are unable to replace them so that they have a home to go to. So, I wanted to share that because I think that many times people have an idealized version of what adoption, especially international adoption, is supposed to look like, and there are definite issues and difficulties that arise when a child lives in an orphanage for the first part of their lives. And if God is calling people to adopt, they need to go into it with their eyes wide open. I think international adoption is amazing, and I know a lot of people who have done it and I would not be surprised if our next child was an international adoption, but I think that it's better to go into the process knowing what types of bumps in the road there are going to be so that you are not surprised and potentially unable to cope when they happen.
So, I hope that catches everyone up to date. Our next meeting is April 21, and our final one is either the 28th or 29th. After that, we'll begin to be presented to expectant parents. We're so excited!
Friday, April 3, 2009
First Post
This will be our official spot for those of you who would like to follow our adoption process. We are so excited about this. We sent out the following letter to our friends and family, and I thought I would post it here just in case we left anybody off.
Dear Friend:
Matt and I wanted to take the time to write to you and make sure that we brought each of you up to speed on what God has been doing in our lives. To some of you this may come as a complete surprise and others of you may have heard us talk about this already. We are writing to you because 1) we wanted to share something with you that we are very, very excited about, and 2) we need your prayers during this time.
When Robert (Matt’s father) passed away 4 years ago, the verse in James that talked about caring for widows and orphans was constantly on our minds. We meditated on what that scripture meant for us as far as Matt’s mother was concerned, and the Lord brought it to both of our minds continually. And it was only then that we began to look at the second character in that verse: “True religion is this that you care for widows and orphans.“ As we prayed, God would not allow us to forget that portion. So, we began to pray about what that was supposed to mean in our lives. Before we knew whether or not we could have children, we wanted to know if God was calling us to adopt. And he confirmed to us that he was calling us to adopt at some point.
After that confirmation, we laid that verse aside for several years. We had Josh, and then 8 months later, I was pregnant with the girls. Again, not a time to think about adoption. However, 6 weeks after the girls were born, I began to be bombarded with messages about adoption – every movie I watched, even down to being put on hold on a phone call and a message coming up about adoption. I approached Matt and told him that I was surely going crazy – this was some weird twisted form of baby blues, but asked if he would please pray about it, and Matt spent the next two days praying about it – and he came to me and said – “Yeah, it’s supposed to be now.” We spent the next month going through the Bible and reading what God had to say about adoption. Neither Matt nor I were prepared for the scope of Scripture in both the Old and New Testaments on the subject. And we realized that adoption is dear to the heart of our Father. For both Matt and me, realizing that was a defining moment in our journey. We realized that we were being called to adopt just as much for us and the body of Christ as we were being called to adopt for the sake of the child that God would bring into our lives.
So, the official journey began. We originally thought that we would adopt a child from overseas. It seemed to be a way to meet the vast need because of the number of international orphans. However, we then realized that to adopt overseas would cost a minimum of $32,000. If God was calling us to adopt now, then, since we had just bought our first house and Matt had just finished school, we knew we would have to borrow to even begin the process. Neither one of us felt like that was the route that God wanted us to take. So, we began to look into domestic adoption. As we prayed about what child the Lord would have us adopt, our greatest desire became to fill the need that is there, so we are so excited because we will probably be adopting a child of a different ethnicity than our own. This will present its own unique challenges as we seek to partner with other couples of our child’s birth race in order to teach our child things about his birth culture that we may not be as familiar with, but we also see it as a beautiful picture of the family of God. In Christ there is neither Jew nor Gentile, male nor female, black, brown, or white. We count it as such a privilege that our earthly family will be able to present a small picture of the diversity that exists within the family of God.
So, why are we writing to each of you again?
1) You are our friends, a part of our lives, and we wanted you to be a part of this process with us even if the craziness of the past few years of our lives has put some distance between us.
2) I’m sure that as you’re reading this you are probably thinking that we are crazy for doing this right now. Please know that we understand that, and we have questioned the timing of this many times. And each time, the Lord has given us clear scriptural confirmation that we were to continue this process at this time. Please feel free to ask us about this in more detail, we’d be happy to share the Scriptures God has used to confirm this to us.
3) We need your prayers through this. This is frightening to us, and a major leap of faith. We do not know how God is going to provide all of this for us financially, emotionally, or physically. But, we do know that we have a big God. And we want you to be able to be amazed with us when he does provide for what he has called us to do. We wanted to let you journey with us as we see his faithfulness revealed in tangible ways.
We know that this process and journey that we have started on makes no logical sense from the standpoint of the age of our children, our financial situation, etc. But, we can’t wait to see how God throws the logic of this world into chaos and shows that he is in control.
So where are we now? We have filled out mountains of paperwork and paid in the first installments of money to the process. We have discovered that even though domestic adoption is less expensive, it is by no means cheap. We will be spending a minimum of $15,000 over the next year, maybe two. This is a major leap of faith for us, but where God is leading he will provide. The next step of this journey is that we will have a home study conducted; the first meeting (of three) is on April 7. After that, we will post our profile on the Bethany Web site and copies of our profile book will be shown by our social worker to potential birthmothers. And then, we wait. We could have a placement a month after that, or a year after that. It just depends. Also, when we do have a placement, the child will not legally be ours for 7 days because in NC birthmothers have 7 days to change their minds after signing the paperwork to terminate their parental rights. However, if we have a placement, and the birth mother does not change her mind after 7 days, we will have a new Lytle to introduce all of you to at that point.
I know this letter has been long. We love you all, and we hope you will pray for us as we take this journey.
Love in Christ,
Matt, Karen, Josh, Kathleen, and Karissa Lytle
Dear Friend:
Matt and I wanted to take the time to write to you and make sure that we brought each of you up to speed on what God has been doing in our lives. To some of you this may come as a complete surprise and others of you may have heard us talk about this already. We are writing to you because 1) we wanted to share something with you that we are very, very excited about, and 2) we need your prayers during this time.
When Robert (Matt’s father) passed away 4 years ago, the verse in James that talked about caring for widows and orphans was constantly on our minds. We meditated on what that scripture meant for us as far as Matt’s mother was concerned, and the Lord brought it to both of our minds continually. And it was only then that we began to look at the second character in that verse: “True religion is this that you care for widows and orphans.“ As we prayed, God would not allow us to forget that portion. So, we began to pray about what that was supposed to mean in our lives. Before we knew whether or not we could have children, we wanted to know if God was calling us to adopt. And he confirmed to us that he was calling us to adopt at some point.
After that confirmation, we laid that verse aside for several years. We had Josh, and then 8 months later, I was pregnant with the girls. Again, not a time to think about adoption. However, 6 weeks after the girls were born, I began to be bombarded with messages about adoption – every movie I watched, even down to being put on hold on a phone call and a message coming up about adoption. I approached Matt and told him that I was surely going crazy – this was some weird twisted form of baby blues, but asked if he would please pray about it, and Matt spent the next two days praying about it – and he came to me and said – “Yeah, it’s supposed to be now.” We spent the next month going through the Bible and reading what God had to say about adoption. Neither Matt nor I were prepared for the scope of Scripture in both the Old and New Testaments on the subject. And we realized that adoption is dear to the heart of our Father. For both Matt and me, realizing that was a defining moment in our journey. We realized that we were being called to adopt just as much for us and the body of Christ as we were being called to adopt for the sake of the child that God would bring into our lives.
So, the official journey began. We originally thought that we would adopt a child from overseas. It seemed to be a way to meet the vast need because of the number of international orphans. However, we then realized that to adopt overseas would cost a minimum of $32,000. If God was calling us to adopt now, then, since we had just bought our first house and Matt had just finished school, we knew we would have to borrow to even begin the process. Neither one of us felt like that was the route that God wanted us to take. So, we began to look into domestic adoption. As we prayed about what child the Lord would have us adopt, our greatest desire became to fill the need that is there, so we are so excited because we will probably be adopting a child of a different ethnicity than our own. This will present its own unique challenges as we seek to partner with other couples of our child’s birth race in order to teach our child things about his birth culture that we may not be as familiar with, but we also see it as a beautiful picture of the family of God. In Christ there is neither Jew nor Gentile, male nor female, black, brown, or white. We count it as such a privilege that our earthly family will be able to present a small picture of the diversity that exists within the family of God.
So, why are we writing to each of you again?
1) You are our friends, a part of our lives, and we wanted you to be a part of this process with us even if the craziness of the past few years of our lives has put some distance between us.
2) I’m sure that as you’re reading this you are probably thinking that we are crazy for doing this right now. Please know that we understand that, and we have questioned the timing of this many times. And each time, the Lord has given us clear scriptural confirmation that we were to continue this process at this time. Please feel free to ask us about this in more detail, we’d be happy to share the Scriptures God has used to confirm this to us.
3) We need your prayers through this. This is frightening to us, and a major leap of faith. We do not know how God is going to provide all of this for us financially, emotionally, or physically. But, we do know that we have a big God. And we want you to be able to be amazed with us when he does provide for what he has called us to do. We wanted to let you journey with us as we see his faithfulness revealed in tangible ways.
We know that this process and journey that we have started on makes no logical sense from the standpoint of the age of our children, our financial situation, etc. But, we can’t wait to see how God throws the logic of this world into chaos and shows that he is in control.
So where are we now? We have filled out mountains of paperwork and paid in the first installments of money to the process. We have discovered that even though domestic adoption is less expensive, it is by no means cheap. We will be spending a minimum of $15,000 over the next year, maybe two. This is a major leap of faith for us, but where God is leading he will provide. The next step of this journey is that we will have a home study conducted; the first meeting (of three) is on April 7. After that, we will post our profile on the Bethany Web site and copies of our profile book will be shown by our social worker to potential birthmothers. And then, we wait. We could have a placement a month after that, or a year after that. It just depends. Also, when we do have a placement, the child will not legally be ours for 7 days because in NC birthmothers have 7 days to change their minds after signing the paperwork to terminate their parental rights. However, if we have a placement, and the birth mother does not change her mind after 7 days, we will have a new Lytle to introduce all of you to at that point.
I know this letter has been long. We love you all, and we hope you will pray for us as we take this journey.
Love in Christ,
Matt, Karen, Josh, Kathleen, and Karissa Lytle
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