Second Meeting - WAY overdue...

Okay, so, we had our second meeting with the birth mother this last week. It went good and bad all at the same time :). How's that for an ambiguous first statement? It's taken me this long to write it all down because of craziness of life (I'm traveling with the kids right now) and because I had to have a long conversation with our case worker a few days after the meeting before Matt and I felt like we could move forward in good conscience. Now, we're back to being totally on board, but since these are nuances of adoption you just don't think about, I'll try and share all the pertinent details.

First, from the birth mom's perspective (at least what we could tell) it seemed like everything went great. She told us she had no doubts whatsoever about us adopting her child. And she was really excited that we would be raising him. So, so far so good. We got to meet her first son, her mom, and see her sister again. However, during the course of the conversation, we found out several things that just gave us pause. The big thing was the conversation about how open this adoption was going to be. Matt and I felt like as we were talking to her we were coming from totally different points of view about the openness of the adoption. And we just didn't know how to handle that. We are open to an open adoption, but that can look SO different depending on the circumstances. The two statements she made that made Matt and I kind of freeze in our tracks were that once her transportation situation was taken care of, visits wouldn't be a problem even if one day we didn't live in the same town, and then she gave us her phone number to work out the logistics of visits in the future. At this point our wonderful case worker stepped in and said, whoa, just a second - if you give that information, there also needs to be something called an openness agreement that is signed before we go any further. So, thank you so much Bethany!

This is probably very confusing if you don't know certain details about the way domestic adoptions work, so let me pause here and give a bit of a heads up. Basically, in America, you can have a closed, semi-open, or open adoption. And these types of adoptions are decided at the placement, and the type cannot be changed without going to court to change the status. In a closed adoption after the birth mother looks at profile books and the adoption is complete the adoptive family and birth mother part ways and they are totally anonymous to the other one. They cannot contact each other, and the only way that contact can ever be reestablished is if once the child is an adult he/she posts information about themselves to an adoption network, and the birth mother also looks and sees that and asks to be matched. So, it's a big deal and both sides have to be looking for the other one. In a semi-open adoption, the agency acts as intermediary the rest of the child's life (or at least until he's 18). So, letters and gifts can be exchanged, but no identifying information is ever given. Visits cannot continue to occur post placement (there may be a few visits allowed with the agency representative present, but I can't remember for sure). An open adoption on the other hand allows the adoptive family and the birth mother an opportunity to continue a relationship throughout the child's life. There are enormous benefits to this because the child is never left wondering what his/her birth parent was like - he knows. In an open adoption, last names can be given, and any other kind of identifying information. So...back to the visit...

When Erin (our caseworker) handed us the openness agreement, both Matt and I kind of froze because (and I know they covered this, but it was not something that stuck) we couldn't remember what that meant. And honestly, we would never give out our last name, addresses, phone numbers to a stranger, and we were sitting there going, I know we're going to raise your child, but you're still a stranger to us. So...that led us to the long conversation with Erin a couple of days later where among other things (the visit raised a TON of questions for us - mainly because as we get further in the process we realize just how many more we have to ask at this point). And, talking to her, as always, made us feel 100% better and we were behind the open adoption again. Basically, the way an open adoption works is that you sign an openness contract with your agency and so does the birth mother. All this means is that if you CHOOSE to disclose identifying information to each other the agency is not held liable. So, that was a HUGE relief - Bethany will never give out our information, but WE are allowed to determine what information we give out. So, the beauty of that is, we can grow into a relationship with this birth mother. We can start by giving her our cell phone number to make sure we can get together and do our visits, and from there we can determine what's in the best interest of our children and her as well. So, that's the really cool thing about an open adoption. It gives you options. It can grow with the relationship. For Matt and I what this means is NOT that we plan on having the birth mother over for dinner once a week, but it means that if one day we wanted to we COULD. It's really incredible how far adoption has come in the last 50 years.

So, that's our latest there. We're still just waiting on the little guy to come into this world!

Meeting the Birthmother

Sorry this is so late coming, but we left immediately after meeting the birthmother and went to the beach for 2 days with Matt's mom. Josh and Kathleen LOVED it! It was amazing! I thought Josh would be scared of the waves and we'd have to coax him into it. Instead, we had to keep telling him not to go out so far! He LOVED it! And Kathleen was the same way. She spent most of her time crawling all in the surf and dying laughing everytime it came up over her hands and knees. She didn't even really freak out when it would splash her in the face - I think that's more because of how much she's gets splashed in the face in the bathtub by her brother! Karissa on the other hand was running a fever, so anything that required her not clinging to Mommy the whole time was not what she wanted to do. So, we'll see if she's as much of a beach baby as her brother and sister are another time :).

But...on to other important things. The meeting on Wednesday with the birth mother went AMAZING. I was so nervous that morning that I was literally sick. But, my wonderful sister called me on the way there and helped me realize that as nervous as I was, the birth mother was probably 10 times more so. And she reminded me that I had nothing to lose, but the birth mother had a huge decision to make and everything to lose. So, it was a really good reminder. She also encouraged me that I had a wonderful opportunity to share the love of Christ with someone without condemnation and to show kindness and compassion instead of censure which is unfortunately the most common thing that unwed mothers receive from the church. So, can I tell you how thankful I am for my sis?After that conversation, I won't say all my nerves were settled, but I definitely had an adjusted perspective.

So, we got there, and I'm not going to list all the details of the conversation just because that wouldn't be fair to the birthmother because I haven't asked her permission to share these things. But, it was an amazing, amazing time. Matt and I left with SUCH a peace. Whatever happens, we know God is in this. My basic impression of this precious lady and her sister (who has come with her as a support through all of this - reminds me of my sis :) is that this is not a light decision that she has just randomly made. The mom and her entire family have put a LOT of thought into this decision. It is not a decision that is just being made on a whim. Her questions really showed how much she really loved the child that she was carrying but knows that she can't care for. (I'm tearing up just thinking back on it). She wanted to know about our parenting styles, goals for our children, discipline methods, how involved we were in our church (she's a Christian), how we planned on talking to her son about the adoption, were we okay with her seeing him around Christmas and around his birthday each year, and her sister asked if we minded her being there as well. But throughout all of it, she made sure that we knew that she knew that she was giving up all of her rights, and she approached it as would we mind if she could still have some time with him because she still loved him and she wanted him to know his brother (she has another son). It was just amazing.

After she finished, we asked her our questions. Ours were:

* Can you tell us a little bit about your first born?
* Is there anything special she'd like to send with her baby that's just from her?
* Can we have pictures of her to include in the baby book?
* Is there a letter that she wants us to give him when he's older that will explain everything to him, or would she rather do that in person when she sees him?
* Are there special events, places she went, things that she did that she'd really like to be sure he gets to do as well?
* Were there any songs that she sings/sang to her first born when he was a baby that she'd like us to sing to him?
* Were there any special things they did during holidays that she'd like to be sure that he does?
* Can we pray for anything specifically for her and for her firstborn?
* Is it okay for us to have him give gifts for Christmas and birthdays to her and her son?

She couldn't believe that we were actually willing to let her still be a part of his life. I know that that may seem scary to those who have either had a negative experience with an open adoption or those who have only heard of it through Lifetime :). But, you would have had to meet this mom. We are truly okay with this as long as the situation stays as it is now. That is only God working in our hearts, let me tell you. But, this mom is amazing. And the most amazing thing about this whole process is that Matt and I are truly okay with if she changes her mind about this adoption. We think she would be a good mom and that the problem is external factors and past choices not curent ones. So, the impression we left with was - if she is actually able to go through with this (and as far as I'm concerned, she has every right to back out - I couldn't go through with it) we think with as well as the meeting went, she'll let us raise her son. But, she's going to keep her son for the two days she's in the hospital, and she could easily change her mind as soon as she sees his sweet face. So, we have more of a peace than we've had through this entire process. And it just seems right somehow down to little details.

Her favorite vacations as a kid that she'd love for him to experience too were camping and a few trips to the beach. That was what we planned on doing already. She would love for her son to experience farm life because they were raised in the country - my parents have a farm. She couldn't believe that my sister had red hair because her sister does too (she's a brunette). It's just little things. And it could still not be the actual child that we are given to raise, but it was a wonderful, wonderful meeting.

So, the next meeting is this coming Wednesday evening at Pullen Park with all of our children. So, pray that that goes well. It's at 6:30. Pray that our kids are well behaved :). Pray that we can get to know her better. Pray that we can get to know her son well. Just for a peace.

Thanks guys! I can't believe we're here! By the way, the baby's due date is August 4! BUT...she went early with her first born - so...anytime!

We've been selected...

Whew! I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. A little bit overwhelmed, a lot excited, and a little bit scared. Again, words are escaping me right now. So, I'll just start at the beginning.

Erin, our case worker left us a message this morning and asked if we could call her back because there was a birth mother situation that she wanted to discuss with us. Matt wanted to hear to, so I did a three-way call so we could all talk (I was pretty proud of my use of technology :). A birth mother has been visiting all of the different adoption agencies in Raleigh, and before she signed on with anyone, she wanted to view profile books so that she could have more options of families to choose from. And after she saw ours, she chose us! So, she's now signed on with Bethany as a birth mother. She is 35 weeks pregnant with a little boy. So, at this point, our profile book has been pulled from circulation with other potential birth parents, and she'd like to meet us. We'll meet with her sometime the week of July 13. If all still looks good, we'll continue until we take the boy home or she changes her mind (which she can up until 7 days after she terminates her rights - which is usually a few days after she's gives birth).

I can't believe it. We started being shown June 3. It's only July 3. That's ONE month! We were on the phone with our case worker for a while and she shared all the details of both the mother's pregnancy and the condition of the baby. But (and please don't think we're covering up something terrible here - because there's not) we decided a while ago, that any details of whatever child's past we received we wouldn't share. I only write this here because it's a blog about adoption, and I wanted to share some of our thoughts here.

With a previous birth mother we were presented to the situation was a rape situation. We started thinking about what we would tell the child about their father and from there wondered what if anything we would tell our family. Now our families are wonderful, but we didn't want to them to have to deal with that knowledge if that birth mother selected us. Can you imagine if one day our child had asked them to tell them about their biological father? The easiest thing on them would have been to not have that information. Also, so many times our perception of someone is colored by information we know about our past. This is so true with family. Someone can meet our sibling when they are all grown up and that person thinks they are the most with it together person in the world. (My sister actually happens to be which is always amazing to me). But, if you're family, you know the history and you know that they weren't always the way they are now and it colors your opinion of them. Can you imagine only knowing a few facts about someone and then actually starting to get to know them from there? First impressions can make or break you. So, we decided that if that previous birth mother had selected us then for the sake of our child and the sake of our friends and family, we would present our child to them as just that - our child - because that's all that truly matters after the child is ours.

I don't know if any of the previous paragraph makes sense. And I never meant to post that in the same post as "we've been selected." But, as I've called people today to let them know they want to know everything because they are so excited for us. And we want them to ask. We want them to be interested. But, there's been a few times we've paused before we answered the question or didn't answer portions of those questions. It's gotten us thinking again about how many details of our child's life before he comes to live with us will we share. The answer is - probably not many. That doesn't mean we're hiding horrible things. What it means is, we want people to see him for what he is - our child. You know us. Therefore, you know our son and how we'll raise him, and those are the thoughts we want in people's minds when they look at our son one day. So, please ask away. Be cautiously excited with us - she could still DEFINITELY change her mind. Just know that we might defer some of the questions but we don't mind you asking :).

We're excited!!!!