First Home Study Meeting

Well, yesterday was our first home study meeting. Basically, a home study is an evaluation of you as a couple to make sure that you are a suitable parent for an adopted child. It would be great if they had this process for biological children :). At least with Bethany, this is a 3 step process, and since I didn't know what to expect (and couldn't find it anywhere online), I thought it might help to share a few details of what ours has looked like so far.

Several months ago, Matt and I had to fill out about 30 pages (a piece) of biographical information. This covered every detail of our past, present, and what we hoped for for the future. It was really good to think about, and fortunately, because Matt and I have been dialoguing about parenting for a few years now, we were on the same page in that regard and we'd covered a lot of things in premarital counseling and have continued to talk about issues as they arise. But, I can see where if you didn't have children, this is a wonderful way to realize where you might differ in your opinions on parenting, especially details that don't seem like they are important at the time but end up becoming issues.

So, anyway, back to yesterday. Since it was our initial meeting, the first thing that our case worker (who was wonderful by the way) asked us was why we were adopting. So, Matt and I just went through our reasons (a lot of which is in the letter).

After that, the first meeting (again this may be different for different agencies) was to determine what they call our service plan. Basically this means, what type of child are you willing to adopt. And it may seem wrong to have criteria, but the reality is that you are bringing in a child with a totally different set of issues than you would be if it was your biological child. Let me give you some examples:

Will you take a child with any of the following:
Birth Mother:
* has an STI/STD
* is HIV positive
* used drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
* has used drugs/alcohol at some point in their past
* has a mental impairment
* has a disability
* a victim of rape or incest
* criminal background/in prison
* no prenatal care

Birth Father:
* same questions as birth mother
* what if they don't know who the birth father is

Child:
* willing to take twins/triplets
* chronic illness (cystic fibrosis, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.)
* surgically correctable condition (ex. cleft palette)
* vision/hearing problems
* of a different race than your own

Etc.

I tell you all those things because fortunately, Matt and I had already thought about those, but they do have to be considered. And on one hand that's difficult because you're placing "limits" on the children you are willing to adopt, but the one thing that Matt and I have learned through this process is that we have to be ready and able to care for the child that is placed in our care. So, you begin to have to consider, with three very small children, what can we handle? Can we logistically handle taking a baby to physical therapy 3-4 times a week? What is in the best interest of the child that we are adopting as well as our biological children. In the end, the only thing we came away with that we knew we could not do was to adopt a child with a communicable illness such as HIV because we have to protect the children that are already in our home and they are too young to know to wash their hands after coming into contact with bodily fluids. And some of the other issues we will have to consider on a case by case basis.

I do want to share one more thing with you that we found out during our meeting. I asked the case worker if they ever had children that they could not place for adoption because that has been weighing heavily on my heart through this process, and I was shocked by her answer. They have not had a problem placing any infants - even those with HIV and chronic problems. But, what they are running into and it is a new phenomenon primarily dealing with international adoptions are finding placements for children who have been adopted and then for whatever reason the family that has adopted them does not feel like they can handle them and wants to replace them for adoption within a different family. They are unable to find homes for some of these children. It has been very difficult on the Bethany staff, and so they have opened up a farm out west for these children if they are unable to replace them so that they have a home to go to. So, I wanted to share that because I think that many times people have an idealized version of what adoption, especially international adoption, is supposed to look like, and there are definite issues and difficulties that arise when a child lives in an orphanage for the first part of their lives. And if God is calling people to adopt, they need to go into it with their eyes wide open. I think international adoption is amazing, and I know a lot of people who have done it and I would not be surprised if our next child was an international adoption, but I think that it's better to go into the process knowing what types of bumps in the road there are going to be so that you are not surprised and potentially unable to cope when they happen.

So, I hope that catches everyone up to date. Our next meeting is April 21, and our final one is either the 28th or 29th. After that, we'll begin to be presented to expectant parents. We're so excited!